


It's all about time

by CallMeLilith



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff, M/M, Mental Health Issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-02
Updated: 2017-03-29
Packaged: 2018-03-21 11:32:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 27
Words: 24,961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3690678
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CallMeLilith/pseuds/CallMeLilith
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What if Phil had lost his memory and couldn't remember Dan? What if Dan was running out of time to help Phil? One night, one accident, and everything can change in a fraction of second.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Kiss

Dan’s POV

It was a dark warm London night in 2012 when I got home from the doctor’s surgery. Phil had told me to go because I hadn’t been feeling well lately, so I grudgingly obeyed. And in that moment, I wasn’t able to tell if it had been a good idea, or the worst one ever.  

I didn’t want him to see me like this, broken, hurt. It was just as though my life had dramatically changed in just an appointment. I went there, hoping it was just nothing to worry about, but I couldn’t be more wrong. After a few tests and a long wait, the doctor told me I had a rare disease, which could make my heart just stop beating out of nowhere, just like that, without any kind of warning. I was scared. I didn’t want to die. And even worse, I didn’t want Phil to know about it, it would destroy him.

I used to be the kind of person who continuously joked about having existential crisis all the time, but this hit me hard. I obviously had already thought about the inevitability of dying, but this time, it felt different. I used to see it ahead in a distant future, but now, it could just happen at any time.

“Hi, Dan” he said almost instantly after I crossed the door.

“Hey” I said, walking towards my room as fast as I could.

“So, how was it?”

“Fine” I lied “, I’ll be just fine in a week probably. What did you do while I wasn’t here?”

“Not much, I’ve been on the internet the whole day.” He paused “Wanna watch some anime?” he asked, pointing at the telly.

“Maybe later, I’m starving!”

“Oh, well then, I made some spaghetti, do you want to eat now or…”

“Yes please” I interrupted.

At first it was only silence, I didn’t know what to say or what to do, I just stared at my plate while Phil stared at me. Then he started joking about something he saw on the internet and just made me laugh, as he always did. I loved the way he made me laugh every all the time, even when I wasn’t feeling that well, he always cheered me up. I was so lucky to have him as my best friend, but I kind of always wanted to be something else. Now that I knew I could just die there, that I may not have that much time, I felt the need to let him know that I loved him. But not the way that I told him when we first met, chatting on Skype, barely knowing him. I really meant it this time, after all we had been through.

After eating and laughing we went to the living room and he turned on the tv. Phil was holding the remote in his hand when, all of a sudden I took it away from him. He looked at me, confused.  I left the remote on the couch, then used the same hand to gently place it on Phil’s cheek. He seemed extremely confused, he didn’t understand what was going on, and I loved it.

Then, without any kind of hesitation, I kissed him.

I closed my eyes and put my lips on his. A slow and soft kiss that I ended way too soon. I opened my eyes as I slowly pushed him away just a little. I needed to see his reaction, to see his beautiful face from that close.

“Oh, Dan” he said, without opening his eyes. He looked so perfect.

I didn’t want him to talk, I just wanted to keep going. I didn’t want it to end. So then my hand went to his soft hair, and as I felt the sensation of it between my fingers, I kissed him again. This time, he replied. I felt his mouth opening, as if he was inviting my tongue in. And in the moment I thought everything was perfect, he split us.

“What? Did I do something wrong?” I asked, concerned.

“No, trust me, you’re good. It’s just… I don’t know, I just can’t. You’re my friend. My best friend.” he paused “I just can’t see you as anything else. Besides, I don’t want to ruin our friendship. I’m sorry”

“It’s okay” I said, disappointedly, proceeding to stand up.

“I’m really sorry” he repeated, ashamed. He couldn’t even look at me in the eye, he kept his head down, staring at the floor.

“No, Phil, trust me, it’s okay” I said as I started walking to my room.

He stood up. “Dan, wait…” But I closed my bedroom’s door before he could say anything else.

I was mad at myself. I hated myself. I pushed the situation too hard. I shouldn’t have. And now my best friend didn’t want to be around me anymore, because I bloody kissed him. I wouldn’t be able to look at his face ever again. That beautiful face. Still, for some reason, I wanted him to know what was going on with me, about my disease, not to make him feel guilty, but he still was my best friend and he deserved to know. It somehow felt like an explanation of my behaviour, to make the situation seem less weird.  So I decided to write him a letter and just leave the house, at least for the night. I needed some time by myself, after all, I still had to think a lot about my health, my future, my heart, the latter being both metaphorically and literally broken.

_Dear Phil,_

_I’m really sorry for what I did a moment ago. It was a mistake, and I hope you can forgive me. It was impulsive and stupid and it will never happen again without your consent. The truth is, Phil, that I’m not okay. The doctor told me I was ill. He told me I could just die someday out of the blue, that my heart was simply going to stop beating. I didn’t want to ruin our friendship, but as it may not last for much longer, I wanted to let you know that I felt something stronger. I love you._

_Sincerely,_

_Dan_


	2. The Accident

Phil’s POV

I just stayed there, thinking. I didn’t know what to do, I was so confused, I just couldn’t understand where it all came from. One minute we’re watching tv, the next we’re kissing. And don’t get me wrong, I liked it, but it just felt… weird, out of place. I didn’t know we were in that stage, but I didn’t feel the same way. Or did I?

After a few minutes Dan came out of his room with a bag full of clothes in one hand, and a piece of paper in the other. I tried to stop him, but he left the paper on the table and left the house before I could do anything. I shouted his name, but he wouldn’t listen to me. I heard his steps going down the stairs, but I saw the sheet of paper he left on the table and I knew he had left it there for a reason, so my first thought was that, if he wasn’t going to talk to me, at least I needed to know what he wanted to say.

“Dan” I whispered to myself through my tears.

I ran down the stairs and opened the door. There I saw him, taking a cab just across the street. Of course I didn’t think about it twice, and I started running towards him. He saw me, and I felt just a little bit of hope growing inside me. Oh, if only I had seen that I had just run into my ruin.

Dan’s POV

I saw him coming to me, but my thought were torn, nothing was clear. I just wanted to hug him and stay with him for the rest of my life, but he didn’t. I wanted him by my side, but he didn’t. I wanted to jump into his arms, but he didn’t. I just thought that maybe, just maybe, he wanted the same as me. He saw me. I sighed with desperation. I didn’t want to hurt him anymore. He started coming to me. And then, suddenly, his face shone for a second. I felt it all happen in slow motion. For a moment I didn’t understand what was happening. I was paralyzed.

I heard a man screaming. “What have you done!” he yelled to another guy. Then I realized, Phil was laying on the street, unconscious, and I was just standing there, doing absolutely nothing. I dropped my bag and ran towards his seemingly lifeless body. I fell to my feet, I couldn’t breathe. I shouted his name, but I couldn’t even hear myself, and neither could he. I started uncontrollably crying, even when I knew it wouldn’t change anything. I tried to wake him up, but he didn’t move at all.

Someone called the 999, and after a while an ambulance came, me being the companion of Phil on the way to the hospital. He had his eyes closed, and his pale hand between my hands. I couldn’t see anything but him, and I kept asking myself, why, why him, why now, why there, just why.

We got to the hospital and I was told to stay in the waiting room. I called Phil’s parents as soon as I reacted to the situation. I still couldn’t believe what was happening. There was a lot of noise in the room, there were people crying, other chatting, some kids playing, but still, I couldn’t hear a sound. I saw everything and nothing at the same time.

I found myself slowly starting to fall asleep, but kept on waking myself up as I could. I don’t remember when I fell deeply asleep, but I was sweetly awaken by Phil’s mom. I saw her and instantly started crying, I couldn’t hold it. She hugged me and held me tight. I saw Phil’s dad behind, but I didn’t care, and he didn’t mind. When I started breathing properly again, I told them everything that had happened last night. Well, everything except for the kiss. They kept saying everything was going to be okay, as if they were trying to convince themselves.

After a few hours the doctor came to us. She used relatively difficult medical expressions, but all in all, she said Phil was in a coma, though he was probably going to wake up in a few days. He had suffered from brain damage, but he was going to recover. However, I couldn’t look at him in the eye after what had happened.


	3. At the Hospital

Dan’s POV

A week had passed since the incident, and Phil hadn’t woken up yet. I missed him, even when he was there, I could see him, yet somehow I managed to miss him. I missed his smile, his laugh, his bright blue eyes, his soft funny voice. I spent most of my time looking after his unconscious body. Sometimes Phil’s mother would tell me to go home, have a shower, eat something, sleep, and then maybe come back. It was hard for me to leave, but I knew he was going to be okay with his parents there. On the eighth night I slept alone at the hospital, in Phil’s room. When I woke up I couldn’t believe what I was seeing.

Phil’s POV

I woke up on a hospital bed, in a hospital room, in a hospital, I concluded. I couldn’t remember how had I got there, neither what happened for me to end up there. It took me a while to open my eyes, but I was already awake. I observed the place carefully, and I saw someone. It was a sleeping man, right by my side, sitting on the only chair in the room. He was sleeping so peacefully I didn’t want to wake him up, but I needed to.

“Hello?” I said, rather loudly, “Sir, hello.”

His eyes opened so fast I was surprised. The moment he saw me he started shouting. “Mrs. Lester!” he said, and repeated, “Mrs. Lester!”

A woman came running into the room, and I instantly recognized her. “Mum!” I said as she hugged me. The guy went outside and called the doctors, while my mother kissed my face and held me tight. I didn’t have the energy to hug her back, but it felt so good to feel her warmth after so long.

“How are you feeling, honey?” she said sweetly.

“I’m fine, mum, thanks.” I smiled. “What happened? Why am I here? Who was that man?”

“Wait, you don’t remember him?” she asked, concerned.

“No, sorry, who is he?” I asked again, but a doctor came in and asked her to leave the room for a moment.

Dan’s POV

After a while the doctor came out of the room and walked directly to us. He explained us about Phil’s situation. We were told that Phil was going to have difficulties doing everyday chores, however, with some time and help, he would then be fully recovered again and would be able to do everything by himself. I was so excited for the good news that all I wanted to do was get in there and kiss Phil again, no matter what he had to tell me. But Phil’s father stopped me.

“Dan, we need to talk.”

“What’s wrong?” I asked, worried. “I want to see him, please let me.”

“Dan, trust me, this is for your own good. Look, there’s a problem…” he paused, and I started feeling worse than ever. “The thing is… Phil is having some difficulties to recall you. In other words he has no idea who you are.” I felt the tears coming to my eyes “Don’t worry, it’s going to be fine, he will eventually remember you, but now… I’m sorry, Dan.”

I looked down for a moment and then up again, looking right into his eyes. “Can I just see him for a second? Then I’ll go home, I just need to see him now.”

“Sure, but remember that he does not recognize you, just keep it in mind when you talk to him. Don’t pressure him. Now go.”

I smiled and then ran into the room. There he was, Phil, my Phil, lying on his bed.

“Hi” I said, shyly.

“Hey” he smiled.

“So… You really don’t remember me.”

“I’m sorry, but I don’t.”

“Don’t be sorry” I smiled, covering my tears, “I mean, you shouldn’t be sorry, it’s not your fault.”

“Well then, tell me, who are you?” he seemed genuinely interested.

I almost started crying again. My best friend in life didn’t know who I was. I sat right next to him, I needed to see his bright blue eyes from up close, they gave me the life I didn’t have.

“Umh, let’s see, we’ve lived together since last year, this year we moved from Manchester to London, we met in 2009 because I was a great fan of yours. Oh, by the way, you make videos for YouTube…”

“Wait,” he interrupted “are we…”

“No! Oh, no! You wish! We’re just friends. Actually, you’re my best friend.”

“Oh, okay, good, fine. Go on.”

And right in that moment Phil’s parents came into the room. “Everything alright?” his mom asked.

“Yeah, he was just telling me about him.”

“And I was just leaving, too. I’ll come back tomorrow, probably.”

“We’ll be waiting for you, sweetie.” she said.

And then I left. It wasn’t until after getting out of the hospital that I started crying my eyes out.  


	4. The Flower

Phil’s POV

I was waken up early in the morning to get some tests run. Apparently I wasn’t as bad as everyone expected me to be. Well, at least physically. I mean, I was able to walk, with some help but walking anyway, and I was able to use my hands properly, for eating and writing and everything. The thing was that I still had trouble remembering things. I couldn’t remember where I lived, what I did for a living, my age, the date, even some members of my family. And that guy, Dan. Anything that had happened in the last ten years had been erased from my memory. Of course, I couldn’t remember the night of the accident, neither what took me to the street that night. And my parents didn’t know either, so it was pretty much a mystery to everyone.

I got back to my room sitting in a wheel chair, and with the help of a nurse, I got back to my bed. When I was alone, I noticed there was something new on the little table next to me. A flower. A white daisy. In that moment mom came into the room. Before she could say anything, I asked “Mum, did you… did you bring this?”

“Oh, hi, sweetie, how are you feeling? No, I didn’t, but it’s beautiful. Let me put it in water.” She said as she went to the bathroom with a plastic cup.

“Yeah, it’s a White Daisy.”

“There’s a flower shop right across the street, you know, and there’s a little poster outside with the significance of some of the most common kinds of flowers, and I stopped to read it a few days ago. White Daisies mean loyal love, purity, innocence, and patience. Isn’t it wonderful? I find it so interesting!”

“It is, yeah.”

“It’s your favourite kind of flower, actually. Where shall I put it?”

“Just leave it here” I said, pointing at the nightstand.

“So you don’t know who brought it, do you? Maybe you have a secret admirer!”

“Well, apparently my… my life is already public. It could be anyone.”

“Or maybe not” she smiled. “Get some rest, dear, it must have been a tough day for you.”

“Wait, where’s… where’s Dan?”

“Oh, he had a meeting today. While you were unconscious he was always here. Now that you’ve woken up, he has to start living again. Anyway, he told me he might come tomorrow. Now sleep.”

Dan’s POV

Waking up at five am to go to the hospital was the most difficult thing I’ve done in a while. However, I needed to get there as early as I could, so Phil wouldn’t notice me. I got to sneak into his room and leave a flower by his side. Maybe that would give him a hint, help him remember. He had filled the house with those bloody flowers, they were his favourite, perhaps that would help his mind. In the afternoon I had a meeting that had been put off for so long it started to become a problem. The only thing I did was show up to decline the offer, because Phil and I had been offered a job together, and I couldn’t do it on my own, and Phil wasn’t at all ready.

The house felt so lonely when I got back there, and so did I. I missed Phil too much, and I needed to visit him, but I had to give him some time. It was hard to, suddenly, stop seeing your best friend, and that he can’t remember you, and isn’t sure he wants to see you.

The next day I woke up at eight am and decided that I should just go for five minutes to visit Phil. I got in a taxi and went to the hospital as fast as the traffic allowed me. I got to the hospital at almost nine, and ran to Phil’s room. When I arrived, I saw Phil sitting on the edge of the bed, all dressed up, playing with the flower. Phil’s mother came out of the bathroom and didn’t seem to notice me, but Phil did.

“Come on, sweetie, I’ll help you get on the chair.” Then she looked up and saw me standing there. “Oh, hi, darling, how are you?”

“Where are you going?” I asked, scared to hear the answer.

“We’re going home, of course! Phil’s ready to go home now”

“But it’s been two days. Besides, his memory…” I felt genuinely worried about his health and safety.

“His memory will come back with time. In the meantime, he will stay with us in Rawtenstall until he feels confident enough to come back to London. You can visit us of course, but it would be better for him to stay in places he knows.”

 _But he knows our house_ I thought, but didn’t say.

“Okay. Do you need any help?”

“Well, if you could help him get to the car, I’ll be right there in a minute.”

I helped Phil sit on the chair, and then I realized he hadn’t said a word since I had got there. Maybe he just couldn’t. However, he allowed me to help him, and take him to the car. I still had hope he might slightly have some idea of who I was. But he didn’t remember me, and I knew that.

We got to the car and his dad took him inside. After a few minutes his mother came, and so they left.


	5. The Reunion

Dan’s POV

After three weeks of loneliness, I decided to take a bus and go to Rawtenstall. I had been talking to Phil’s mum, and she had told me it was okay for me to go, but I had been busy the entire time, so I took a weekend for myself. On Friday I made the bags and went there. I knew exactly where Phil’s parents lived, of course I did, I had been there lots of times, before Phil and I moved in together.

I was already desperate to see him. I needed to see him smile, because it had been a while since the last time. And on the bus all I could think about was surprising him, and for a second I thought that he might even know who I was. But I had to start our friendship all over again, even after all we had been through.

And there I found myself, at his front door, picturing in my head every possible situation that could happen when I rang the bell, and Mrs. Lester opened the door.

“Well, hi, there, sweetie, come on in!” she said with the loveliest voice only a mother can do.

She helped me take my bags to the guest room and told me Phil had gone to the supermarket, and would be right back. After she left the room I just laid on the bed and looked at the ceiling, still thinking about Phil.

After a few minutes of doing nothing I heard the door open. I run downstairs and saw Phil, and he saw me. For a second, nothing happened, we just stared at each other, and for that second I saw a sparkle of recognition in his eyes. Maybe he remembered all the times he got to his house and I was already there, waiting for him with a videogame and food to spend the rest of the day together, locked in his room.

And after that second I saw another person come into the house. It wasn’t Phil’s brother, nor his father. It was a woman. A girl. Something in between. A young lady. A beautiful young lady. A beautiful young lady carrying bags, and shouting.

“We’re home, Mrs. Lester!” she said, with a husky yet sweet voice. “Oh, hi!” she said the moment she saw me standing there. She looked friendly and cheery.

“Hi.” I said, shyly.

“You don’t remember me, do you?”

“What?” I said, confused. Now it was me who had lost the memory.

“Daniel, I’m Liv. Olivia. Come on, man, it hasn’t been that long.”

And then I remembered. Before Phil and I moved to Manchester, Olivia was a girl who lived in the same street as Phil, and friendly neighbour. Phil and her were practically raised together, even though she was a year younger than him. Their parents were really good friends; every time they went out together, Liv and Phil would stay at her house playing videogames.

The last time I saw her she looked so different. Her natural ginger hair was the same, of course, only less messy, and in a ponytail. She used to wear rimless glasses, and there she was wearing a pair of big hipster glasses. Her skin was almost as pale as Phil’s, only that hers was covered in freckles.

After analysing Liv and looking like I had just had a stroke, I walked up to her and said hi properly. I hugged her and asked her how she was doing. Meanwhile, Phil took the bags to the kitchen. Everyone seemed so happy after going through that front door. Everyone in that house was happy, even me.

And then I realized, Liv was doing Phil good. She was someone he knew, a friend. After losing ten years of his life in memories, an old friend was the best he could have by his side. Someone who knew him more than anyone else around there. And maybe she could help me help Phil remember me, because she knew the Phil that was there, the old Phil.

The three of us went to the living room. There wasn’t a moment of silence, Liv started a conversation really quick. She had that power, she wouldn’t allow an awkward silence in her presence. And that was the first time after the incident that Phil and I had a proper chat, with Olivia, but a chat at least. And after catching up with the recent events, Phil started to tell us about the things he started to remember. And I was there.


	6. Opening Phil's Mind

Phil’s POV

“So I had this weird dream. I was kind of in a party, and I saw you” I started saying. “You were with a friend of mine, and then you came to me, and you seemed to know me. We had a long conversation of which I don’t remember much, but it was like the first time we ever met.”

“Phil” he said with excitement “Phil, that’s literally how we met. I mean physically. We had met before on the internet, but the first time we actually met was at a party, we had a friend in common and he introduced us. Phil, you’re remembering me!”

“Yeah, it was a blurry dream, though, but it’s something at least.”

“Of course! The good thing is that you’re gradually getting your memory back. It’s great!”

I was so scared I might disappoint Dan. He seemed like a great person, he would look after me all the time, he really cared about me. I didn’t want to hurt him. Apparently, he was my best friend, I mean, we even lived together, and he was such a cool guy. But I started to feel pressured to remember. I forced myself to remember what I couldn’t. It wasn’t his fault, but I felt like I owed him at least knowing who he was.

“And what else did you remember?” he asked, smiling.

“Nothing else, yet.”

“Are you sure?”

“Dan, I can’t remember, okay?”

A pause. No one said a thing.

“Sorry.”

“No, it’s not your fault. It’s just… Please don’t put pressure on me.”

“Sorry, Phil.”

And we just stayed there in silence. Not even Liv had something to say, and that was strange enough.

“I think I’m going to get some rest.” I said standing up. No one stopped me. I just locked myself in my room and fell asleep shortly after.

Liv’s POV

I stayed in the living room with Dan, and didn’t say a word for a while. I honestly had no idea what to say, but still tried.

“He’s just tired. Keep in mind that it’s as hard for you as it is for him. Imagine not remembering someone that claims to know everything about you. Just give him time…”

“Time, everyone says that I should give him some time, that time will mend everything, but I don’t have time. I’m running out of time.”

I didn’t want to know what he had meant with that, and yet I was starting to feel his desperation.

“Dan, what happened that night?”

“Nothing.” For the first time since Phil had left, Dan looked me in the eye. “Forget it.”

He stood up and started walking out of the room. Still sat down, I grabbed his shirt by the bottom. “You know you can trust me. I remember who you are, and I can help you, you emo brat.”

He smiled. “Thanks, Liv.”

I let him go and he disappeared. I then proceeded to go help Phil’s father while he was mending the family’s car in the garage.

In the late noon I decided to go visit Phil. He had been locked in his room the entire day, he hadn’t even eaten a thing. I took a plate and a slice of last night’s pizza. I run upstairs and knocked three times.

“Come in, Liv.” I heard from inside the room.

“Hey, buddy. How are you feeling?”

He left the book he had in his hands aside and looked at me. He looked too serious to be Phil. He saw I had the plate and quickly took it away from me.

“I really don’t know how I’m feeling. The entire situation is kinda weird.”

“It’s okay. Trust me, we all understand, it’s just a bit hard to treat you differently.”

“I didn’t mean to hurt Dan. I don’t mean to do him any bad.”

“I know, and he knows, trust me.”

“I really want to remember him.”

“You do. But you can’t force yourself. Take it easy. If you force it, it will be worse. Just relax.”

“You know, I’ve been reading some emails I sent to Dan, like, this year. I don’t recognize myself. I feel as if someone else had sent those emails. Liv, I’m scared I might not be that guy again.”

“Phil, that guy is you, don’t be scared. With or without your memory, you’re still you. Maybe you changed through the years, but it’s still you. Don’t try to be that guy. He might come back eventually, along with your memories.”

And then he just hugged me. I hugged him back, and I heard him starting to cry. All I wanted in life was to see him happy, but to get there he needed to let everything else just go, so I let him cry. We didn’t talk, because we didn’t need to.


	7. The Drunk Boy

Liv’s POV

I had dinner with the family plus Dan. The only ones talking were Phil’s parents and brother, and me, somehow I always had something to say. But both Phil and Dan were quiet as a mouse. After dessert Dan disappeared almost instantly, meanwhile Phil stayed while his family was chatting about life. I decided to go home after a long day helping the Lesters. I waited until everyone had gone to bed, and Phil hugged me goodbye right before I went through the door.

And there I saw Dan, sitting on the doorstep, outside the house, with a bottle of vodka by his side. I didn’t say a word, just sat down with the bottle between us and took it. He didn’t even look up as I drank from it, he just accepted it. I looked at him, his eyes were lost in the void.

“That night” he started “I was coming back from the doctor’s surgery. I got run so many tests I started to get worried, but I didn’t even mention it to Phil. Then, I was told I had a rare condition. Liv, I’m really, really scared. I was told I might just die, out of nowhere, just die. So when I came back, I was so done, I tried to kiss him. Man, I loved that kiss. But he said he didn’t ‘want to ruin our friendship’, for fuck’s sake, I’m dying, I don’t give a shit about friendship. So I kind of ran away, and I left a letter explaining everything. And he ran after me. And that’s when the car hit him.”

He grabbed the bottle as I was trying to process the information.

“You really love him, don’t you?”

“I do, actually. I love him. But he doesn’t even know who I am. I mean, at first I thought I kissed him in the rush of the moment, but it meant so much more to me, only that, after the doctor, I had the courage to tell him what I felt, instead of waiting for him to do it.”

He looked at me, with a look of desperation and sadness. I looked away, I couldn’t handle seeing him that way.

“It was all my fault. I deserve all this shit that’s happening.”

“Daniel, stop blaming yourself, for the love of god. You shouldn’t regret what you did, I mean he didn’t know you two didn’t have time to ruin your friendship because you don’t have time at all.”

“It’s just an excuse to say no in a polite way.”

“No, it isn’t, it means he was scared, too, because you took him by surprise and he didn’t know how to react, or maybe he thought you were just kidding. But what you two have is something so wonderful and…”

I couldn’t finish my sentence because my lips were shut. Shut with a kiss. Dan’s lips didn’t allow mine to continue speaking. And after a couple of seconds he just slowly started to put some distance between us, and sat back in his original position.

“What was that?” I asked, dumbfounded.

“I don’t know. I think I drank too much to give you a reason.”

“Dan, we were just talking about Phil and how much you loved him.”

“I know.”

“Okay” I said, taking the bottle for myself.

“But did you like it, though?”

I almost spit the alcohol I had in my mouth.

“Umh, yeah, I don’t know. I guess you’re good. You’re a good kissed, yeah.”

“Do you want to try again?”

“Daniel, you’re drunk. Just go to bed.”

“But I don’t want to go to bed, Olivia.” He said, imitating my accent.

“Okay, that’s enough. Let me help you.”

He could barely stand up. He was either too weak for vodka or he had drunk too much. Either way, I had to help him. When we got to his room he mumbled something and then winked at me. I couldn’t help but laugh at the whole situation. I took the bottle with me and went home. I didn’t want him to do anything he could regret.

When I got to my room I started thinking about Dan’s situation. I hadn’t realized the things he had told me until that moment. And I felt bad for both Phil and Dan. And everybody around them.

In a way, I understood Dan’s situation. He was in love, so he wasn’t being as rational as he would be if he wasn’t feeling the way he was. And then, there was his condition. I believe he started realizing the real value of what and who was around him when he figured he could lose it at any time. And his love for Phil was nothing new, of course. I could see it before, every time Dan travelled for hours to get here and stay for the night, or the times Phil went to the South on his spring breaks to visit Dan. They were in love, they just didn’t realize.

And then I thought about why he had kissed me. It didn’t make any sense, until I realized Dan was in need of affection, someone to hug him and tell him everything was going to be okay, so he had found comfort in me. I had that thing, I could listen, when people thought they had no one else, I just let them talk. Of course they had people to talk to, but I gave that feeling of understanding. And I loved being able to help others, but sometimes, it was just a little too much. I couldn’t fix everyone else’s lives when I hadn’t figured out my own.

I failed to fall asleep during the entire night, I wanted to get everything fixed even if it was out of my reach, and just the fact of thinking about it wouldn’t allow me to sleep.


	8. The Goodbye

Phil’s POV

I stayed up all night watching my videos on YouTube, trying to figure out who I was, trying to find the real me. They were almost like a diary where I kept my life, and it was really helpful. At some point Dan started appearing in the videos. He looked so different, but somehow I knew it was the same Dan.

At first we looked really awkward, but then, then we got extremely confident. We said thing I never thought I would say, and even less in front of a camera. I looked as if I felt good by his side. I looked happy.

Somehow, I started remembering. I remembered making those videos, and whatever had happened before and after those videos, and while I was watching myself talking about a moment I had experienced, I started remembering them. It was too much information at once. For a second I had to push my laptop away and close my eyes. There were too many situations triggering in my mind. I closed every tab and shut the computer down. I stayed with my eyes closed and my brain burning. I tried to sleep but I couldn’t, it was too much.

The last video I watched, I had made it with Dan. We talked about a radio show. We had plans for the future, and I had ruined them by this stupid situation of losing my memory and coming to Rawtenstall.

And I started remembering the day we moved in to London, in hopes of getting that show at the radio. We left Manchester in hopes of getting a job, and we got it. And now, Dan must have had to call it off, and it was all my fault. And the memories kept coming back. Ten years of my life in one night.

Dan’s POV

For some reason my brain decided to wake me up really early in the morning. It was six am and I was already standing in the kitchen and making myself a cup of coffee. I was the only one awake in the house, but I was used to it. There were times when I would stay at Phil’s house for the weekend, and on Sundays I was usually the first to wake up, so when the family would start to wake up, they would probably see me sitting on the sofa, reading a book that I had brought with me.

But just standing there I realized, I didn’t feel as welcome in that house as I used to feel. I used to be there for Phil, then I started getting on well with his entire family. But now, my main purpose, Phil, didn’t want me there. He didn’t even want to talk to me, in any way. I mean, of course I was welcome by the Lesters, but not by Phil, and that made me feel like hell.

After finishing my cup of coffee I decided to go make the bags. I was leaving early because I didn’t want to stay anymore. Not without Phil wanting me there. I went upstairs, got my stuff, and went back downstairs. There I found Mrs. Lester.

“Hi, sweetheart. I see you’re up early, as always.”

“I am, yeah.”

“What are you doing with those bags? Are you leaving already?”

“I guess. I have to do stuff, you know.”

“Oh, darling.” She got closer to me, grabbed my cheeks and kissed my forehead, the way only a mother can do. “Don’t lie to me, you know you can’t. Everything will get better, trust me. Do you want me to wake Phil up or…?”

“No, let him sleep, he needs it, it will help his brain. Just… Just say I said goodbye. Please.”

“Of course, sweetie.”

And I left the house. I didn’t even know how I felt. I just left.

But then I saw her, walking towards me. And I remembered what had happened last night, and I regretted every single thing I did or said that night.

“Well, hello, kissy boy.” She said in a rather amused voice.

“I am so, so incredibly sorry for what happened last night.”

“Don’t be. It was a fun time. You couldn’t even go upstairs, it was hilarious.”

“So you’re not mad.”

“Not at all, why would I be?”

“I don’t know…”

“What’s that?” she asked “Are you leaving already?”

“Kind of, yeah.”

A moment of silence. Then she talked.

“Can I come with you?”


	9. Welcome to the City

Liv’s POV

I ran to my house as fast as I could and I picked a bag full of clothes that I had already prepared before. I told my dad I was leaving for a while and he didn’t even ask why, so I just left the house.

“Well that was fast.” Dan said as soon as he saw me again.

“I know, right? I kind of already had a bag prepared.”

“What for? Did you know I was leaving early and had already decided to come with me?”

“Actually it’s a hospital bag, in case I had to stay at the hospital for any reason. I made it because of my granny, but she passed away, so I don’t need it anymore. Come on, let’s go!”

He seemed shocked by the way I said it, and yet he stayed by my side. We went to the closest bus station, walking and talking, and waited for the next bus. We went quiet for a while, we were paying attention to the signs more than anything. Once we got in, we resumed out chat. 

“So why did you decide to come with me?” he asked, curiously.

“I don’t know. You only live once, they say. I guess I don’t want to be that girl you see in the movies who never gets out of her town, and stays there until the main male character comes back for her. This is like literally the first time I go out of town, in twenty four years. It’s kinda sad. So I saw the opportunity and I took it. And now I’m going to London. Isn’t it great?”

“It is. If this is what you want, it’s awesome. I can show you the world” he started singing.

“Or maybe at least London” I tried to sing, awfully. But he laughed, and that made me feel way better.

Forty minutes later we arrived to Manchester, so we had to change to the underground to get to London. For some reason, he looked excessively sad when we got there. Then I realized. Phil was from Manchester, and before going to London, they had lived together there. I guess the memories hurt him, so I tried to cheer him up.

Unlike Rawtenstall, this city was rather bustling, I wasn’t used to it and I just couldn’t feel as comfortable as I would have in another situation. Luckily, it was just three blocks to get to the underground station.

Three hours later, we were in London. It was so big, so crowded, so beautiful. The buildings were so modern, the people were mostly wearing suits, which was weird to see where I came from, except for the tourists, who had a peculiar and easily recognizable look. Dan helped me appreciate the view, of course. He pointed at things and told what they were about. He knew so much about everything. We went to the apartment at a slow pace, because we were admiring every inch of space that existed in London. There was a famous park near where we were, and after seeing my face brighten when he mentioned it, he took me to see the flowers of the queen in Regent’s Park. Then I noticed a sign indicating the proximity of Sherlock Holmes’ Museum, so I begged for him to take me there. We spent the entire evening around the area, until it got pretty dark and we saw ourselves forced to go to the house.

In all honesty, it was hard to tell the fact that I was much older than Dan, because there I seemed like a little girl. He made me feel young and unexperienced.

Phil’s POV

I got some sleep when the sun rose, and woke up when the sun set. Almost twelve hours of sleep, which was incredibly helpful. I finally felt as if my brain had started to cooperate and put itself together. My life was starting to make a little more of sense. No one interrupted my sleep or asked if I had died, they just let me sleep and I felt fine with it.

I ran downstairs looking for Dan, I needed to tell him everything. I was desperate to let him know that my memories had come back. I needed him to know that I loved him. I loved him and there was no way to deny it. I didn’t feel like I had just met him, I felt him as my best friend and the person I was in love with. Because I remembered all he had done for me. But I couldn’t find him, and that’s when I found my mum.

“Well, hello, sweetie. How did you sleep? I didn’t want to wake you up, you looked so cute.”

“Hey, mum, I slept pretty well, thank you. Have you seen Dan, by any chance?”

“He left this morning, actually. He said he had things to do. He wanted to say goodbye, but well, you needed to sleep.”

“Mum, I need to see him.”

“Well, you’ll have to wait, then. Tomorrow morning you’re going to get some tests run. But anyway, can’t you just give him a call or something? You know, there are this very useful things called phones. Maybe you can text him.”

“No, mum, I need to talk to him in person. I just need to. I’m going to London tomorrow.”


	10. Night Out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> smut warning!

Dan’s POV

“So you can stay in my room, and I’ll sleep in Phil’s. Is that okay?”

“Sure. This is so exciting. What kind of London-y things are we going to do today?”

“Well, it’s Saturday, there must be something to do. What do you want to do?”

“Can we go to a club? They say here in London there are lots of great clubs. I’m so excited, I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, I get it. I felt the same way when we… I first got here from Manchester. Don’t worry.”

“This is gonna be so much fun. Finally, I’m doing something because I want to, and it’s for me and for me only. I love this.”

She seemed so happy I felt almost as happy as she did just by watching her enjoy. She was looking out the window and observing the city. She was like a child, and I loved it. Not in a pedophile way, though.

For dinner I cooked some mutton curry, which we eat at haste, since she wanted to leave the house as fast as we could, and then we went downtown. Olivia decided to go with a wonderful black night dress, which fit perfectly her curvy figure, and I wore a causal black shirt and my favourite skinny jeans.

She wanted me to show her the best of the city, so I showed her a park Phil and I used to visit a lot. It was a simple park, just grass and some games for the kids. But at night it looked amazing. The lights would turn on and make funny shapes on the floor due to the trees. It was a silent place, so it was great when I needed to focus on something really hard. I used to go there with Phil and just sit and listen to the leaves of the trees moving with the warm breeze. And there we go back to Phil.

Liv and I sat there, too. No words spoken, no words needed. The lights made her green eyes look even bigger than they already were. She looked beautiful. She was beautiful.

Then I realized she had realized I was looking at her so closely, and looked down as fast as I could. She laughed with her husky and funny voice, and she made me smile. I started to stand up slowly, and then I extended my hand towards her.

“You said you wanted to go to the club. Let’s go, I’ll show you the best one.”

We went to a club I’ve been many times before, which I thought was actually pretty good. The music was great, but there wasn’t much space to be in. Livs instantly loved it. She started dancing the moment we got in. She danced so freely, as if no one was watching. But I was watching her. She almost made me forget about all my problems, almost made me forget about Phil.

I needed a drink as soon as possible. I guided Liv to the bar and asked for the strongest thing they had, and she asked for the same. It was a funny looking shot, a greenish liquid. I didn’t even care what it was, I just looked at Liv, and she looked at me, and we both drank it at the same time. It tasted really good, kind of sweet and sour at the same time, but instantly after swallowing I felt my throat burning. I unwittingly closed my eyes and opened my mouth wide. I left the little empty glass on the bar, then opened my eyes to see Olivia still suffering.

“Well, that was fun!” I yelled, but I could barely even hear myself.

“What?” she asked, trying to figure out what I had just said.

I got closer to her, removed a strand of hair off her ear, put my hand on her shoulder, and whispered.

“That was fun.” I said with a soft voice.

She looked at me without even moving her face. We were closer than we had ever been before, but for some reason we didn’t mind. I pulled away a bit just so I could see her eyes. The space between us was minimum, but after a few quiet seconds, Liv looked away. She then made a sign with her finger, asking the bartender for another round. We got our shots, we looked at each other, and proceeded to drink. This time it didn’t feel that bad, it didn’t burn as much as the last time. It felt better. I felt better. I took her hand from her waist and smiled at her, to which she replied with another smile.

I took her to the dance floor, and we started dancing even more freely. I felt the music sounding in my chest, and I just felt good. I began to feel the alcohol taking effect, I just went more loosely. We met some old friends inside the club, who kindly gave us some wine they had got in a small bottle hidden inside their pants. I didn’t ask, I didn’t mind, I just wanted to get drunk, and that was free alcohol.

It got to a point where I lost track of the time. Song after song, we just kept dancing together. But we started getting closer and closer. And when I realized, my nose was almost touching her neck, between her hairs, my hands were on her waist, her arms were placed around my neck, both of us had our eyes closed. And suddenly we were kissing. At first it was soft, slow, but then it got intense. I took her to the nearest wall, and we started making out in a way I wouldn’t have thought I would be.

We looked at each other, but we didn’t feel ashamed. We went outside and we saw the sun almost rising. We took a cab home, and we couldn’t stop laughing, yet the only funny thing there was the way we looked.

We barely made it home. The hardest part was the stairs, oh those bloody stair. Once I was finally able to fit the key in the keyhole, we got inside the house. We tried to be silent, but we both knew we just couldn’t. She went straight to the kitchen, as I followed her. She served herself some water and offered me, to which I agreed. She then proceeded to slowly pour the water into my mouth. I guess that must have looked sexy to her, because she then removed the glass, putting it on the counter, and got closer to me. When she tried to kiss me, I pulled back, teasing her. She laughed, and assuming I wasn’t interested, she pulled back, too. Liv grabbed the glass and got closer to the sink to leave it there. She stayed there, looking through the window, as the sun started to rise. I stood behind her and slowly put my arms around her waist, as I kissed her neck. She slowly turned around until our eyes met again. Her arms were on my shoulders, with her hands tangled between my hairs. I could only see lust in her eyes, and I could feel mine looking likewise. I unhurriedly got closer to her, until our lips touched. I could taste the alcohol in her mouth, but I didn’t mind, I liked it. Her lips were softer than I had expected, and she liked to bite mine, which I found extremely stimulating. It was fun to feel our tongues playing inside our mouths for some reason.

Then shit got intense. I pulled her up and sat her on the counter, just to be able to touch her a little more. I hadn’t realized until that moment that her sheer tights didn’t reach her waist, but instead covered up to her thighs, which to me looked extremely hot. My hands wandered from her knees, slowly up to her thighs, and then down to her back. Suddenly, I felt her hands moving mine towards her ass. She pulled up her dress just enough so that I could comfortably rest my hands there. As my eyes were still closed, I tried to feel all I could from my other senses, to recognize her by touching her body, smelling her perfume, tasting her mouth, hearing her moan to my touch.

I started feeling her hands unbuttoning my shirt, and her cold fingers touching my chest provoked a sensation of exploding inside, but in a good way. I couldn’t wait more, I wanted her, and she wanted me. Before she could even reach to the third button, I grabbed her by the legs and picked her up, as she crossed her legs around my waist. I took her straight my room, with incredible stability considering the amount of alcohol in my blood, and we both fell on the bed. She finished opening my shirt and left it politely on a chair, as I took my shoes off. She then proceeded to throw herself on top of me, and started kissing my neck. My hands went to her back, but she insisted to place them on her butt. I slowly started pulling her dress up, to then realize it was one of those dresses that have to be removed downwards, because it just didn’t go through her breast up. She laughed, stood up, removed the straps from her shoulders, and let it fall.

I couldn’t believe how beautiful she was. I couldn’t do anything but look at her, and I wanted to stay that way for longer, just looking at her, appreciating her face, her arms, her fingers, her full lips, her big eyes, her little nose, her noticeable collarbone, her large breasts, her cute belly, her chubby thighs.

She fell on top of me once more, but this time I took the handle, grabbed her by the waist, moved her until her back touched the cover of the bed, and fell on top of her. I took her hands to my butt, as I unfastened my belt. She then helped me remove my skinny jeans. And there we found ourselves, on our underwear, just looking at each other.

I kissed her neck, and started going down. Her hands were on my hair, accompanying my movements. She wouldn’t stop writhing as I kissed her body, so I assumed she was liking it. I stopped when I reached her bellybutton and looked at her face, in search of approval.

“Oh, please, serve yourself.” she said, with a bit of desperation.

I started pulling off her underwear from the side of the hip with my teeth. I knew the feeling of anticipation it provoked, I knew the desire it could generate, and I wanted her to feel it. I slowly took my hand to the other side of the hip, not without before slightly touching her inner thigh. Then, I slowly proceeded to fully remove her underwear, kissing her entire leg on the way back. She spread her legs open as I kissed her inner thigh, getting closer and closer. Once I reached my destination, I stuck my tongue out in search for her clitoris. I heard her moan louder than I had ever heard her before, so I assumed I had found it. I played with it for a while, as her moans grew louder and louder, and she couldn’t stop twisting. Even though she was pulling my hair, it didn’t hurt, because I liked it. I mean, I liked making her feel that good.

At some point, I felt her pulling my hair in a different way, like trying to get my attention, so I looked up for the first time in a while. She was extremely sweaty, and was breathing really fast.

“Hey, uhm, I’m almost there, you know, and I think you’re not having as much fun down there as I am up here, so maybe, you know, we could do something else.”

I agreed, even though I was having fun. I love making my partner feel good, I just find joy in it.

So I pulled off my underwear and went back to my original position on top of her. Her legs were still open, she looked like she could barely move, she looked tired yet ready. She had a look on her face that could be easily mistaken as hate, she had lust on her eyes, she had a full desire of me being inside of her. So I complied. I went slowly at first, I didn’t want to hurt her, of course, but then I started going increasingly faster. Her legs were crossed around my torso, and her nails left red marks on my back, which I didn’t really mind, on the contrary, it turned me on.

I felt I was too close to come, but I wouldn’t stop until she had come, so I went faster, as I touched her breast and kissed her neck. And, when I thought I wasn’t going to make her come before I did, her moaning not only increased, it sounded like one scream altogether, and her eyes rolled back so much I could barely see her iris. I assumed that was her orgasm, so then I could come in peace.

I fell with my face on her chest and stayed that way for a while. I liked the way she caressed my hair. We didn’t go to sleep right away, we had a little drunk chat before falling asleep.

When I woke up, I could barely remember what had happened. I was on the wrong side of the right bed, and she was sleeping by my side.


	11. The Day After

I woke up crying, desperately, and ran for a piece of paper and a pen to write my dream. I dreamt of a kiss, and I wanted for it to take place for a long time, or at least in my dream. I was enjoying the kiss, but when I heard the words “I love you” I woke up. But I wanted to reply. I wanted to say “I love you, too”, and I was afraid I might not get the chance to say it anymore. Tears were filling my eyes when I woke up, and I couldn’t stop them. I wrote the dream even though I couldn’t see, even less without my glasses on.

My mum came into my room with an expression of fright, saw me crying and hugged me really tight. I hid my head in her chest and kept crying.

“What’s wrong, sweetie? Please tell me.”

“I love him, mum, I love him so much, and I’m scared I might never get to tell him. I love him!”

“Oh, honey.” She grabbed my cheeks softly and made me look at her “You will get the chance to tell him, don’t worry. And I know he loves you back. He really does. Come on, let’s make your bags. You’re going to London.”

“Mum” I said, trying to stop crying when I realized I might have overreacted “it’s five am.”

“Look at my face. Do I look like I care? Because if I do, then I’m doing something wrong. We’re going to the hospital right now, I’ll make them run those stupid tests and then we’ll go to the bus station.”

“But…”

“No, shush. Come on, help me with this, I’m not doing it all by myself.”

We went together to the hospital with a bag full of medicine, food, a change of clothes and some cash, just in case. My mum talked to a nurse from the hospital, who turned out to be an old friend. He got us to get the tests ran even when it was six in the morning and we weren’t even close to the appointment we were supposed to have at midday. My brother even called us to know where the hell we were, but by eight mum was going home and I was already on a bus to London.

Dan’s POV

I woke up feeling the sunlight on my face, which was only normal when I forgot to close the curtains. I got up, put on my underwear that laid on the floor, and headed towards the bathroom. I wasn’t even thinking, I did it automatically. When I closed the door, I heard a female voice from the kitchen.

“Dan? You up?”

At first I was confused, but then I remembered. Liv.

“Yeah, I’ll be right there in a minute.”

“No haste.”

I washed my face and stared at my reflection in the mirror. What had I done? Why had I done it? Was I glad I did it? Was it good? I didn’t know what to think, but I guessed I had done it for a reason, it couldn’t be that bad. I was starting to overthink, as always. But I knew, until I did something, I wouldn’t know if it was the right thing to do or not. So I gathered some courage and went to the kitchen. There she was, wearing my shirt, which was a little oversized for her, but fit her beautifully, and her sheer tights.

“Hi. How are you feeling?” she asked, lovingly.

“Oh, my head hurts a lot. What did we even drink last night? Anyway, how are you?”

“I think I’m feeling much better than you. I actually got up kind of early, like an hours ago, and decided why not surprise you with making lunch. After all, you cooked dinner last night.”

“Lunch? What time is it?”

“Almost midday, actually. We didn’t sleep much, so if you want, you can go back to sleep, I don’t mind.”

“Don’t worry, in fact, I want to spend some time with you.”

She giggled.

“Dan, if it’s just because of what happened yesterday, don’t worry. I understand what you’re feeling.” She walked closer to me “Yesterday was just a night.”

“It was a great night, actually, and I liked it. It just, I don’t know, I’m…”

“Confused.”

“Yes”

“Dan, Danny-boy, Daniel. It _is_ normal. You don’t have to tell me that you love, now. I liked yesterday, too. I had a really good time. But you don’t have to feel a duty to me just because it happened.”

“But I liked it, I like you.”

“Sexually, yes. But I know your mind is on Phil. I understand. You love him. You always have. I see it now, I saw it then. You love him. You’re hurt, but you love him.”

“But I feel comfortable talking to you, you listen to me, you help me.”

“That’s what friends do, that doesn’t mean you love me, Dan. Just because we can chat and have sex doesn’t mean you love me. I’m your friend, and surely I want to support you, but don’t get confused, you are absolutely in love with the guy you’ve been living with for like two years. You didn’t stay here because you couldn’t pay rent by your own, and you didn’t go to Rawtenstall because you wanted to see his guest room. You felt happy with me, yes, because I took you out of your reality. He _is_ your reality.”

Phil’s POV

I was excited because I remembered the way home. I knew the streets I was walking on, and I felt so relieved. It made me feel good, better with myself. I few days ago I wouldn’t have thought that I could know a city so well. I walked home smiling, rediscovering the place.

I got to the building, got the keys out, opened the door, went upstairs and opened the door to the house. At first, the house looked as though there was no one in there, but then I noticed the sound of the kettle boiling some water, and saw a face leaning out from the kitchen, with a gigantic smile. He ran my way and hugged me, as I hugged back. And then, right behind him, I saw her.


	12. Welcome Home

Dan’s POV

A backpack on his shoulder and a white daisy in his hand. His facial expression changed as soon as she came out of the kitchen wearing my last night’s shirt. He had never seen me bringing a girl home in this way, ever, and now, it turned out to be his best friend. But I felt too good for seeing him, I just walked to him and hugged him. He left the backpack fall and hugged me back.

“Welcome back, man.” I said, without opening my eyes.

I loved feeling the warmth of his body with that hug. I didn’t care about anything else. He was home, I didn’t give shit about the world, nothing was as important as the fact that he was home. And after a few seconds, I rubbed his arms and gave him some space. He then proceeded to look at Liv and open his arms, as if he was asking for a hug. Liv ran to him and hugged him so strongly he gave a step back because of the impulse he received.

“How are you feeling, then? How’s your memory?” she asked taking a step back to look him in the eye.

“Well, I got more memories back, thanks for asking” he said smiling “, although I still don’t remember the night of the accident, but the doctor said it’s completely normal, because it must have been a traumatic experience and the brain tries to erase it. But, oh well, I got my memory back!”

My breath started going faster when he mentioned that night. I felt nauseous, and my hands started shaking, but I tried to hide it.

“It’s great, Phil, seriously, I’m so happy for you! For everyone!” I said, with the biggest smile on my face.

“Oh, Phil, that is awesome!”

“It is. I should go get dressed now, but I promise we’re going to celebrate tonight. I’ll cook.” I said, and went to my room, remembering I was only covered by my underwear. I had to go to a meeting, but I also used that excuse to get out of the house and think about everything. Think about whether or not I should tell Phil about that night.

Liv’s POV

I took a shower and then prepared some tea to share with Phil. I wanted to have a chat with him, a proper one, now that he had become the good new Phil.

“So how did you feel when you started remembering everything?”

“At first it kind of hurt, you know, like it was too much. It took me an entire night to associate the information I was getting, but I guess now I feel way better.”

“And what triggered those memories?”

“I was watching my own videos on YouTube, you know. I have my entire life there, it was so useful. And then my brain started to fill the blanks. I remember my friends, my life, everything.”

“Then why are you so sad?”

“What?”

“Philip Michael Lester we’ve been friends for a while now, I think I know when you’re not okay. What’s wrong?”

“I don’t know. As I got my memories back, I remembered him, and everything about him. I realized that…”

“You love him, don’t you?”

“Kind of…”

“I’m going to be completely honest with you, I see absolutely no point in lying to you. We had sex last night, we were both horribly drunk. But it was just that, it meant nothing more for either of us. I’ve talked to him, he trusts me, and has told me that he feels something else for you. He didn’t cheat on you, you two aren’t together even though you both want to fuck the hell out of each other, in a lovingly way. He didn’t do it out of spite, he did it out of loneliness. He felt rejected by the person he loved the most, so you have to understand, okay?”

He nodded, so I proceeded with my monologue.

“Now, you both know you love each other, but you have to talk about it. Fucking hell, I’m not your medium, sort your shit out. Dan told me that you told him you didn’t want to ruin your friendship, and that is straight up bullshit right there. Your relationship with him _is_ going to change, but that’s good. Don’t be scare, don’t worry, change is not a bad thing.”

I inhaled some air and continued rambling.

“I’m not saying you should haste, and say ‘I love you’ straight to his face, but you could start getting closer to him. After all, what you have now are kind of old memories of him. Make new ones! But please, don’t let this opportunity go, okay?”

He nodded again, and there was a small pause before he spoke again.

“So… he told you he loved me, too?”

“Yes, Philip, he said that. Now go scream into a pillow because the person you love loves you back but you still have to watch him from a safe distance.”


	13. New Opportunities

Dan’s POV

“Phil, we’ve got the radio show. They loved last year’s, so we’re coming back this year, and in addition, next year, we’re getting a weekly radio show.”

“Are you kidding me? Are you actually kidding me? This is great!”

“I know, I know! Look, I’m walking down the street with two bags in each hand, wearing a formal suit. I’ll be home in twenty minutes, but I really have to hang up. We’ll talk about it when I get there.”

“Okay, see you.”

I was so excited I almost threw my phone on the pavement. Everything was going too well. I even called my parents to tell them about the radio show. But it was time to face the truth. I had to tell Phil about the night of the incident. I felt the guilt strangling me, and I couldn’t take it anymore. I kept overthinking the situation, and it was killing me.

But then I got home, and there he was, smiling, laughing, and I just didn’t want to break him, I didn’t want to hurt him anymore.

“We gotta take Liv to the underground station. She decided to go back to Rawtenstall.”

“Wait, she’s leaving? Why?”

“I have to go to work” she said, carrying her bag towards the door. “I’m sorry, but I have to be back by tomorrow at eight, so I’m leaving tonight.”

“What?”

“She said she has to work.” Phil said between laughs.

“Okay, alright. But are you coming back?”

“I don’t know. I’m sorry. I might come to visit some day!”

“Dan, if you’re tired, you can stay, I’ll take her. You had a long day, it’s okay.”

“Are you guys sure?”

“Totally, but before I go, we kind of need to talk about something.”

We went to the lounge and sat down. She looked preoccupied, and I could picture millions of reasons.

“Dan, I told Phil everything, so you don’t really have to worry about explaining. He understands the situation, he’s a sensible guy. But about what you told me about your… condition…I just couldn’t tell him. And I don’t mean you shouldn’t tell him either, but, like, be kind. Consider the fact that he just came back, he might not be ready. Of course he can know, you don’t have to hide it, but pick the right time to tell him. And don’t use it against him if you ever have a fight, that would destroy him.”

“I’ve been thinking about it, too, and I want him to know just in case something happens to me, I want him to understand that it will all be okay. But I guess you’re right, he has a lot going on right now. No matter how much I have to wait, I have to respect his time and his mind.”

“Right. And, apart from all that, I’m leaving now, so you two will be alone. Maybe you could ask him out on a proper date, do things together, things you both like. Take your time, don’t go too fast, yeah? There are other ways to show the way you feel. You don’t have to say ‘I love you’ to say ‘I love you’.”

“Wait, so we kissed, we fucked, and now you’re giving me relationship advice about me and my best friend, who turns out is your best friend, too, and you’re telling me to tell him I love him? What did I miss?”

“Get over it, mate, we weren’t going to last anyway. Just take care of Phil, make sure he’s okay, and make sure you’re okay, too. I just want the best for both of you. You are meant to be, trust me.”

“Okay, I guess. Is this your way of dumping me?” I giggled.

“I can’t dump you if we were never a thing, remember that.”

“Okay. Well, then, thanks, Liv. You can come around whenever you want. I promise, I’ll make sure Phil’s okay. “

“Yeah, you better do that. I gotta go, see you around, Bear.”

“Oh, not that name again, please. It’s been three years, for god’s sake.”

She laughed, then looked at me, turned around and left. Then I heard the door. I was alone again in the house. But this time I knew I wasn’t going to be alone for long.

Phil’s POV

“Phil, you should tell him about your dream. I think you should tell him everything. Who knows, maybe you can lose your memory again, and you won’t remember him again, and you’ll forget about this dream and this feeling. You don’t want that, now do you?”

“I don’t, I guess. But don’t you think it’s a bit too soon?”

“Oi! You’re going to tell him and that’s it. You just got back ten years of memories, do you still think anything is too soon or too late. Come on, just do it. I swear you won’t regret it.”

“Says the girl who just nailed him.”

“You two guys won’t ever let it go. It was just a night, nothing else, trust me. Neither of us feels for each other the way you feel for him.”

“But what if he doesn’t love me back? What if he doesn’t even like me?”

“Okay, this stays between us two, and I’m telling you this because my train is coming and I can escape from this awkward situation, but he might have said your name that night. I don’t know, take it or leave it. Bye, Phil!”


	14. Night In

Phil’s POV

I got home and I could smell the tasty smell of recently cooked food even from the front door. I went to the lounge and there he was, sitting in the dark, with his phone on his hand. He was still wearing his suit, which was weird. I didn’t think he had even noticed I was there.

“Hi.” I said, almost soundlessly.

“Oh, hi, Phil!” he turned around, and even in the dark I got to see his brown shiny eyes.

I sat right next to him, and just stared at him for a second. I didn’t even know how to start.

“What’s wrong?” he asked gently.

I didn’t say anything for a while, and then a sudden courage came out of my chest.

“I had a dream, back in Rawtenstall. It’s kind of the reason I came back. I don’t even know why I’m telling you this.”

“Go on, I want to know.”

I looked away. I couldn’t even look at him directly.

“Well… We were right here, actually. Just us. We were kind of sitting like this.” I moved so my body pointed in his direction, and he positioned the same way. Our legs were touching on the couch, and I instantly felt so stupid for thinking that was cute. “Then my hand went like this.” I took my hand to his shoulder and started to slowly move it down his arm until I reached his hand. He tracked my hand with his eyes, he looked so concentrated. I then proceeded to braid my fingers with his, and closed my hand, holding his tightly. Then, he slowly started to close his, squeezing mine. “After that, my other hand went like this.” I took my hand to his hair, near his cheek. I saw him closing his eyes, feeling the warmth of my hand. Slowly, I started getting closer, and made him come closer, too, until our foreheads were touching. He didn’t open his eyes, he didn’t say a thing, he was just there, and that was all I needed. And after contemplating him for a few seconds, I kissed him. It didn’t take much for him to kiss me back. I took both my hands to his hair, as he took his to my neck.

Then I realized that Liv wasn’t wrong, he did like me. And I liked him. I liked him a lot. He was all I wanted. We kept kissing for a while, because we could, because we wanted to. And after a while I just started laughing, and so did him.

“So that was kind of my dream. Sort of.”

“Well you have kind of dirty dreams.”

“It could have been much worse, trust me.”

I opened my eyes and saw him opening his. He looked so precious from that distance, I just wanted to frame that moment.

Dan’s POV

Let’s just say that it was Phil’s our first kiss, and my our second kiss. But I didn’t care, because he had kissed me, and I had kissed him back. I felt so good after it, I even felt more relaxed. And Phil, oh, Phil, that man drove me crazy. He was too adorable, and gorgeous. And he kissed me.

“Is now the awkward moment after the kiss when we just want to keep kissing but we know we can’t.” I said, smiling.

“I guess it is, but I’m genuinely starving right now.” He grabbed my tie, and as he stood up, he slowly let it go.

I couldn’t get that smile out of my face, and he didn’t seem to be able either.

“I gotta change my clothes, but I’ll be right back.”

“Okay” he smiled. “That suit really suits you, though.”

I smiled at him, and went to my room. When I came back wearing my pajamas, he was lighting a candle in the centre of the table. There were two plates on the table and the lights were still off. I had never imagined that situation taking place in my life, but it was happening, and I was loving it.

“This is beautiful.” I said, charmed.

“Well, it was you the one who cooked, so thank yourself for this.”

He sat on my chair, but I didn’t mind. I mean, he might not even remember which chair was whose, so I didn’t make a fuss about it. I just went and sat on his lap.

“This is my chair, actually.”

“Oh, sorry!”

He tried to stand up, but I didn’t let him.

“You can stay, though.”

I smiled at him and he smiled back. I cut the meat, and while I was taking it to my mouth, he stole it from my fork.

“So you steal my chair, and now my food, too. How dare you, you, peasant.”

He just kept smiling, and he would have laughed if he hadn’t had food in his mouth. I pouted, so he took a piece of meat with the fork and took it to my mouth.

“Yeah, you better feed me, that’s the least you can do.” I took a huge bite and he laughed because somehow I was still pouting.

I couldn’t stop staring at him, those blue eyes. You could easily drown in those eyes. His hair was covering his right eye, so I moved it just to get a clearer view of his eyes.

We just kept playing with the food until both plates were empty, after feeding each other and ourselves. We just kept staring at each other for no apparent reason, until I laid my head on his shoulder, and felt his arms going around my waist. I closed my eyes slowly, just feeling him. I just wanted to stay that way forever.


	15. Bath Talk

Phil’s POV

We went to different rooms at night but still somehow felt together. He kept texting me things like “sup” and “u up?” at four in the freaking morning. I could even hear his laughter whenever I sent him something, anything. It was ridiculous and yet so romantic.

I woke up really early in the morning. I still couldn’t get normal amounts of sleep, my brain kept working, associating memories, and wouldn’t let me get some rest. I filled the bathtub with hot water and got in. I closed my eyes and just tried to relax. However, I didn’t know my time to relax was going to be interrupted. I saw through the crack on the bottom of the door the lights from the hallway go on, then a few footsteps, and finally the door of the bathroom being knocked.

“Phil, it’s seven in the morning, what the hell are you doing up? Please don’t tell me you’re sacrificing a virgin in there.”

“No, you dingus, that’s only at three am. I’m just having a bath. Go to sleep, it’s too early for you, sun hasn’t set yet, I don’t even think it rose.”

He laughed, and then, for a moment, there was just silence.

“Can I come in?”

“What?”

“I’ll take that as a yes.”

He opened the door, and I saw his pajamas on the floor. He proceeded to get in the bathtub with me, and I didn’t even complain. I put my arms around his waist and he pressed his back on my chest. I didn’t even care anymore. He just closed his eyes and sighed. I took care of keeping his body under the water so he didn’t get cold.

“Now tell me, what’s wrong?”

“What do you mean what’s wrong?”

“Oh, my god, you sound so northern right now. I missed your northern accent.”

I couldn’t help but laugh at his comment. I loved when he noticed everything about me.

“Thanks, I guess.”

“Okay, what’s wrong?”

“I don’t know what you mean, honestly.”

“Well, it’s fucking seven in the morning, you’re having a bath, well now we’re having a bath but that’s not my point, my point is that there’s obviously something wrong.”

“You’re right, I guess. It’s just… after I got my memory back, my brain wouldn’t let me rest, it’s too much information, you know, and I can’t stop thinking, just thinking. I swear if I get any more information my brain will just implode. I guess I just need some time.”

He just grabbed my hand and started playing with it between his. He had such a soft and delicate touch.

“Maybe we can go on a vacation, just you and me, and relax for a moment. Maybe you need to get out of your environment, and stop associating things that your brain tells you, you know.”

“Well, your birthday is next week, maybe we can go somewhere else. Just you and me.”

“Oh, right. I literally forgot my own birthday. You were like all I thought about for the last month, and I genuinely forgot my birthday.”

“Oh, that’s so sweet!”

“Yeah, sure. You forgot me, and I forgot my birthday. That’s really sweet.”

“I didn’t mean it like that, you idiot.”

He laughed. I loved his laugh.

“I know, I know. Wait, what’s that? I hadn’t seen that one before.”

He pointed at the mirror, where a white daisy was leaning inside a glass of water.

“I got that one while I was in the hospital. The house is full of them. It kind of helped me remember what the house looked like, you know. I guess I’ll never know who gave it to me. It’s really beautiful, though.”

“Well, you could say now you know. I went early to the hospital and silently left it there, so you could wake up and see it by your side when I wasn’t there. I see you liked it.”

“Are you kidding? Was it you? Really?”

“Yup.”

“Oh, my god, that’s so sweet. Thanks.”

“No problem.”

“Back to the holiday, where would you want to go?”

“I don’t know. We could run to Las Vegas and get married.”

“Well, as we are both boys, we can’t really get married, you know.”

“I was kidding, Phil.”

“Oh, sorry.”

An awkward silence stood between us for a few seconds.

“Have you ever thought about us as something more than this? Like do you see us in a relationship?” he asked.

“Of course I have. Many times.”

“Do you think we could ever be, like, boyfriends or something?”

I looked at him and laughed.

“I see it now.”

He looked back at me and smiled.

“We could still go to Vegas, though.” He broke the silence.

“Dan, go to sleep, you’re too tired to talk.”

“Yeah, I think I should.” He said, getting out of the bathtub and taking my towel with him.

So, Vegas, that could be a good opportunity to clear my mind. We had received an invitation anyways to take part in a convention, so maybe, before that, we could go and stay just a few days in Vegas. I still had to go back to the YouTube thing, so maybe isolating ourselves in a hotel room would help me catch up with it. I had so many notifications from the time I was away, I didn’t even know how to start again.

I closed my eyes and just though about what had just happened. I didn’t even know if he had just proposed to me, if he wanted to be in a relationship with me or what had happened. I was just happy.


	16. Welcome to Las Vegas

Dan’s POV

“Daniel James Howell, get your ass up right now or else…”

“Or else what? It’s fucking six am, let me sleep.”

“I already made you breakfast, and we’re leaving in an hour. Come on.”

He took away my covers and turned the lights on.

“You little piece of…”

“Shush, now get up, you idiot. Did you even pack your stuff?”

“Kinda. Just five more minutes, please.”

He threw clothes at me and started jumping on the bed.

“Get up, get up, get up, get up.”

I threw a pillow at him and faced the mattress.

“You’re a twat, you know that, don’t you?”

“Breakfast is ready, I’ll see you in five minutes and you better be dressed up and ready.”

He left the room and closed the door. I slowly started to open my eyes, grabbed some clothes and tried to dress up without getting out of the bed. I couldn’t, but it was worth a try. I then proceeded to dress up properly and finish packing, and went to the kitchen.

“Cereal. You woke me up for cereal.”

“Of course. That’s our breakfast, like, every day.”

“The way you woke me up, I was expecting something bigger. You’re still a twat.”

He laughed, and that made me smile. We then went to the lounge with our bowls of cereal and watched some anime. Then we made sure we closed every door, every window, everything, and headed to the airport.

Phil’s POV

To be honest, nothing interesting happened during the flight. Dan couldn’t sleep yet was really tired, so I had to invent silly stories to tell him while stroking his hair, and seeing him slowly falling asleep gave me the most perfect inner peace. I slept for nearly three hours in a row, and when I woke up, Dan was still sleeping in my arms. I didn’t want to wake him up, though I was getting really bored of doing nothing. Luckily, lunch came and I had a reason to wake him up and finally move my arms. Even though we loved talking to each other, we also needed some space for ourselves and our own thoughts, so after dinner, Dan decided to watch a film, and I decided to read a book that I had taken with me.

It was ten am when we left, and we arrived at one pm Nevada time, so it didn’t really feel like we missed half a day. We arrived on Friday the 22nd of July, and Vidcon wasn’t going to take place until the 28th, so we had almost a week to stay in Vegas. We hadn’t planned a thing, we wanted it to be spontaneous, to let things happen. As soon as we got to the hotel, we changed our clothes and went straight to the swimming pool. Not being used to such form of entertainment back at the flat in London, we stayed in it until our fingers looked like those of an old lady.

By eight we were preparing ourselves to go spend the night at the casino downstairs. While I was showering, Dan discovered the room was so weirdly constructed, he could see me shower while he was brushing his teeth outside the bathroom. Of course, he told me about it once I was already dressed, so he must have enjoyed the view without me noticing at all.

Before entering the casino, we approached the bar and asked for two of the most strangely named drinks. It was Dan’s first time drinking alcohol in the USA, since his twenty first birthday had been almost two weeks ago, so he decided to hold nothing back. His face showed pure excitement, and I couldn’t help but smile when I saw it. I just can’t describe how beautifully adorable he looked.

One drink after the other, we tried all of them, sipping from the other’s drink at times, and when we got to the casino we found ourselves a little more that tipsy-level drunk. Since we had spent a lot of money on alcohol, we had $10 left to spend on gambling.

I must admit that playing poker while also drunk and unexperienced is not the best choice you can make, and Dan learnt it the bad way. Then I learnt playing blackjack becomes really difficult when you realize two and three do not add up to twenty one, even though, sober, you would have known.

$5 left, we decided to use the fruit machines. I can’t tell exactly how long we were there, but it wasn’t just a few minutes. We didn’t hit the jackpot, but we won small prizes that allowed us to continue playing. By the end of the night, we had made almost $200. Not much, but it was something. We got ourselves our last drinks for the night and got out of the hotel to see the sun rising. Across the street I noticed a toy coin machine outside a shop that was just opening, and I didn’t give it a second thought. I wanted a surprise toy.

I took a few coins out of my pocket and inserted them twice, in order to get two prizes. Dan was more cautious and made it across the street a little bit later, so when he got there, I had a surprise toy in each hand. I gave one to Dan, and at the count of three, we opened them. Both of them were plastic rings. Mine was a bright yellow ring with a shiny sticker of Pikachu in it. Dan’s was a red one with a sticker of Spider-man.

“Well” he said “, we have the rings, we are in Vegas. What’s next?”

I put my ring inside my pocket.

“We should probably get to bed now. Gambling makes me tired.”

We went back to our room, and even though we had chosen a room with two beds, Dan sneaked into my bed to spoon.


	17. The Live Show

Phil’s POV

“Vidcon is coming, and you haven’t made a video in a while, with the accident thing. So maybe, I was thinking, you could just do a live show, and see what happens. They miss you, you know? And it can really get you back in the mood of doing videos. Seeing how they react when they see your face. You really loved it back in the day.”

Dan was right. I mean, I wouldn’t be where I was but for the people who watched my videos. And after all, he was going to be by my side, to help me in case I didn’t know what to do.

So I turned my laptop on, tweeted about doing a live show in a few minutes, and prepared the room so the viewers didn’t see the mess we had created in the day we spent in the room. During that time I got so many responses and such great vibes from people all around the world.

Without further ado, we started the live show.

Dan’s POV

I don’t mean to brag, but I was absolutely right when I said they would cheer him up. His face brightened up once he started receiving messages saying how much they had missed him. Everyone had been worried about him, and he was in love with the idea that so many people cared about him. Ever since he had the incident, he hadn’t had the chance to see how much support he is given by those who watch his videos.

He explained in a very quick and undetailed way what had happened. He mentioned the incident, to which he preferred to refer to as “the accident”, then the hospital, Rawtenstall, and back to London. He explained his loss of memories from the last years, and then he went straight to recovering his memory, without mentioning the whole thing about not remembering me. I guess I was included in the last years things, but I found it strange that he did not specify our struggle.

As he continued talking, I started feeling his voice cracking. I hadn’t been paying too much attention to what he was then saying, I was having my own mind debate, so when I noticed his eyes were getting misty. I realized he was no longer looking straight to the camera, but was now seeing the comments. “Why did you leave?” “Why did it take you so long to recover?” “Why don’t you remember what happened that night?” “When will you start doing videos again?” “Why isn’t Dan saying anything?” “Did you two guys have a fight or something? Dan looks distant.” “Are you two together?” He was overwhelmed by the questions, that’s why he looked so listless. The volume of his voice slowly decreased, to the point where he was no longer speaking.

“Well, guys, we really have to go now!” I moved the laptop so that the camera only showed me “We’ll see you at VidCon next week, okay?” I made a heart with both of my hands and closed the tab.

His eyes started to move from side to side, but he wasn’t seeing anything in particular. His chest was inflating and deflating increasingly fast. He slowly got up and stumbled towards the bathroom.

“Phil, what’s wrong?”

He locked the door.

“Phil…”

No answer.

“Phil!”

At first I heard a silent weep, but then it became more like a sob.

“Phil, open up, please.”

“I’m scared.” I heard him whisper.

“Let me in, please, Phil.”

“What if it happens again? What if I forget about everything again? What if I forget about my mum, or my dad, or… You. I don’t want to forget about you again!”

“Phil, calm down, please. You’re not suddenly going to forget about everything again. Phil, you’ll be okay.”

“What if this haunts me forever? What if my brain has been damaged forever and I’ll have problems in the future?”

“The doctors said it was temporary, Phil, stick to the facts, not the tricks your mind is playing on you.”

“What if I didn’t even make it? What if I’m still in that coma? What if I didn’t wake up? What if I died in the accident? How would I know? How can I be so sure I’m not actually dreaming? That this is not all just in my head? Dan, I’m so scared. I don’t want to die. I’m running out of breath, I feel dizzy, I’m not feeling well.”

“Phil, you’ll be alright. Listen to my voice, okay? Want to know if you’re dreaming? Count the fingers on your hand. Do they add up to five?”

No answer.

“Do they?”

“Yes, yes they do. What about it?”

“When you’re dreaming and count your fingers, they never add up to five. If you aren’t sure yet if you’re dreaming or not, try reading the shampoo bottle beside you. It’s hardly possible to read in a dream. You’re not dreaming, this is reality, I’m here. Let me in, now.”

He sobbed.

“Please.”

The door opened, and I got inside the bathroom as fast as I could.

“Don’t you ever lock yourself like that ever again, please, let me help you.” I said, as I held him tight.

Even though it hurt like hell to see him cry, I knew he needed it, and he also needed someone to comfort him.

“Dan, I’m so scared.”

“Don’t be, okay? I’m here with you, nothing’s going to happen to you. Just breathe in, hold it, and breathe out. Now again…”

If he continued hyperventilating, he was going to feel even worse, so I needed to calm him down. I hugged him tight, and breath with him. Eventually, he calmed down.


	18. The Birthday Video

Dan’s POV

The night before we left to California, I received an email with a video attached to it from a friend. The only text it contained was “nice wish you made”. I played the video, which was a recording of my birthday, from when they were signing the Happy Birthday song, and I was about to blow the candles. “Make a wish” someone said. I looked at Phil, then blew the candle.

“Hey, Phil, wanna see the video that Bryony sent me?”

He stopped packing his stuff and kneeled next to the bed where I was laying. He played close attention to the video, as I played close attention to his reaction.

“What did you wish for?” he asked after the video finished.

“I can’t tell you. If I do, it will never come true.”

“I can help you make it come true, though.”

I smirked.

“Want me to be honest? I didn’t make a wish. I just reminded myself that I have everything I want right now.”

He stopped looking at the screen and proceeded to look at me.

“Well, that’s great! I’m really happy for you, then.”

Then just silence.

“You didn’t notice at all, now did you?”

“Notice what?”

“Did you even see what I did before blowing the candle?”

“Umh, no…”

I played the video again, and saw a complete change in his face.

“You… you looked at me.”

“I did.”

“What does it mean?”

“It means, my dear Philip, that you are all I can wish for, and now that I have you with me, I couldn’t wish for anything else.”

“Oh, Dan.”

His eyes shone with the brightness of a thousand stars, and I couldn’t help but smile. He wasn’t a guy of too many words, he didn’t need to, his face expressed every feeling he couldn’t put into words.

“You are, too, everything I could wish for now. I really feel like I don’t need anything else when I’m with you.”

We hadn’t kissed in a while, ever since the night Liv left, so it’s not hard to imagine how nervous I was when he started to lean closer to me. I had a weird feeling in my stomach, like a tickling. Our foreheads touched, and all I could see was his eyes fusing into one. All of our kisses tended to start slowly, however I was surprised when he stole a kiss from me at a high speed. Then another. His hand on my knee, my hand on his chest. Another kiss. He started to get up as I started to lie down. Kisses began to go towards my neck, ending at my collar bone, as I closed my eyes. I liked to do that, it helped me feel the touch of his lips on my skin a little better. He took off his shirt, and my hands went straight to his back. His skin was warm and kind of sticky due to the high temperatures, but I loved touching it anyways. His hand went under my shirt as he leaned over me. I then proceeded to take my shirt off, too. I wanted to feel his skin touching mine, I wanted his warmth. Then his hand touched my belt. But I wasn’t ready.

“Wait.” I whispered.

“What? Sorry, you don’t want me to…”

“Sorry, it’s just that…” I sat on the edge of the bed, and he kneeled behind me.

“It’s okay, really, don’t worry.”

“I mean” I turned around to see him in the eye “it’s not that I don’t want it. It’s just that… I don’t feel ready yet.”

“Don’t worry, you don’t have to explain yourself. No means no. I understand.”

“I can still, like, you know, compensate you…”

“No, you don’t have to, I don’t want you to. It’s okay, seriously.”

Then there was just silence.

“We can still cuddle, though.” I said.

“I’d love to.”

And so we laid together. I was in his arms, in the perfect position to receive a kiss on my head every once in a while.

“Hey, Phil.” I said after a few minutes of quietness.

“Hmm.”

“Can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“I don’t know how to put it into word…”

“Dan, you know you can tell me anything.”

“Well, umm, I guess I would like to know, like, what are we?”

A pause.

“What would you want us to be?”

Another pause.

“Well, I like you.”

“I like you, too.”

“But, like, romantically.”

“Me too.”

“And sexually.”

“Me too.”

“And aesthetically.”

“Okay...”

“Don’t you like my aesthetic?”

“Yes, I do, I do.”

“Good we made that clear.”

Third pause in the conversation.

“Do you want me to be my, like, boyfriend?” he asked.

“I guess…”

“Yes or no?”

“I mean, I want to, but I don’t know if you do.”

“I do, Dan. I do.”

“Okay, then, we’re boyfriends now, cool.”

“It sounds nice.”

“It does, doesn’t it?”

Fourth pause.

“Can I call you “boo”, though?” I asked.

“Yeah, sounds better. But only if I can call you “bear””

“Better than “boyfriend”, that’s for sure.”

We both laughed together. I then moved my body to be closer to him, as we fell asleep.


	19. The Party

Dan’s POV

At the end of the third day of Vidcon, some creators decided to go have dinner together then go to a party organized by Hank and John, to which both Phil and I were invited. Luckily, the party was going to take place on the rooftop of the hotel at which we were all staying, since we all knew some of us might get way too drunk sometimes, in case we needed an easy way back to the rooms.

Phil and I where the last to arrive, so we had to sit on the chairs at the edge of the table. It was hard to catch up with the conversation that was already going on, considering we got there pretty late, and we were far from the ones most actively engaged in the conversation, so we decided to talk to each other for a while, until we could join the rest. It’s not like we felt left out, we just decided by ourselves to wait until the topic changed and we could interact.

Eventually we found a way in, but we saved some comments for each other, because Dan and I understand each other’s humour, we didn’t know how the rest would react to them, so we preferred to whisper them to each other’s ear.

I noticed, though, that some people may not have felt entirely okay with our behaviour. I saw some of them whispering to each other and looking at us. I hoped Phil hadn’t noticed that. I, on the other hand, was always paying attention to criticism, so I was pretty much aware of what they could be saying.

At the end of the dinner, we went straight to the club where the party was going to be held at. Since it was near the restaurant, we went by walk. I stayed by Phil’s side all the time, because I was feeling really uncomfortable with everyone else. I wanted to go home. But Phil, he didn’t care about criticism. He was outgoing, he kept talking to everyone, he hadn’t realized the way they looked at us.

“Hey, guys!” Cat approached to us during the walk.

“Hi, Cat. How are you doing?” I said, almost aloofly.

“I’m doing great! But… how are _you_ guys doing? Are you enjoying the evening?”

“I am! You, Dan?” Phil said, with a big smile on his face.

“Sure, I guess…”

“Oh, what’s wrong?” Cat asked, looking both confused and worried.

“I don’t know, it’s like… I feel like some people here don’t like us at all. I saw some of them commenting during the meal, then looking at us. I don’t know…”

“Yeah… about that…” Cat started “It’s not that they don’t like you. They were just wondering, I don’t know, maybe… They told me to ask you whether or not…”

“Whether or not what?” I started to get exasperated.

“Whether or not you two were together.”

Phil looked at me with a bit of nervousness in his eyes, but I didn’t take my eyes off of Cat.

“No.” I said, without hesitating. “Tell them we aren’t together. Tell them to mind their own business, too.”

“Okay, Dan, calm down, it was just a question…”

I didn’t answer, Phil didn’t know what to say, so Cat left without saying anything else.

“So we aren’t together, huh?” Phil said in the coldest voice I had ever heard coming from him.

“I didn’t mean it like that. I just wanted them to stop judging me.”

“Are you embarrassed of us?”

“No, it’s just…”

“Yes, you are. That’s why you don’t want them to know. If you weren’t, you would let them say whatever they wanted to, you wouldn’t care.”

“Oi, that’s not what I meant.”

“Forget it.”

And so he left with the others, leaving me walking by myself. I felt uncomfortable and guilty. Why didn’t I just say we were in a relationship? What was the big deal? I didn’t even have an answer.

Although I walked in silence I kept my mind busy, thinking of ways to make it up to Phil. I had made a mistake, I was pretty much aware of it. I could be criticized for anything and feel ashamed, but if anything I didn’t really mind if people talked about us two as a couple, it was our personal life they were talking about, our choice, screw them.

Before entering the hotel, I grabbed Cat softly by the arm to stop her and talk.

“Cat, hey, sorry for what happened earlier, I didn’t mean to be rude, you know.”

“Yeah, but you were.”

“That’s why I’m apologizing. I did something wrong, I recognized it, I apologize.”

She hesitated for a few seconds.

“Okay, I’m taking your apology. You were right, though, maybe we should mind our own business.”

“But you were curious, and I understand. I shouldn’t have answered so rudely.”

She nodded, then grabbed my arm and took me inside the building. We took our time outside, so we had to wait inside for the lift to come back.

“We are together, though.” I said once we were on the lift, alone.

“Oh, really? Well, congratulations, guys. You really make a perfect match.”

“Thanks! He is such a nice guy. I truly like him.”

“Good thing he likes you, too.”

“Yes… that’s good…”

We got to the roof. In all honesty, all I wanted was to get drunk, but I didn’t want to do anything that I might regret later, so I chose to go for some drinks that weren’t soft nor hard, just to get a little tipsy. There were some cool drinks with YouTube-related names, to which I didn’t pay much attention. To which I did pay a lot of attention was a girl looking at me on the bar as I asked for a drink. I was feeling kind of lonely there, so I thought why not talk to her.

“Hi, I’m Dan, nice to meet you.” I said, taking the sit next to hers.

“Hey, Dan, I’m Amanda. Mandy for short.”

She didn’t sound American, nor did she sound English. Not at least the accents I knew from said places. She had nice dark wavy hair, though, and the greenest eyes I had ever seen.

“So where are you from?”

“I was actually born in Argentina, but as my father is Canadian, I’ve lived there since I was four. I notice a bit of England in your accent, am I wrong?”

“No, you’re right, I’m from the queen’s land. Born and raised there.”

“Cool, I’ve always wanted to visit England.” A pause “Well then, what are your videos about?”

“Oh, just silly vlogs about me failing at life. How about you?”

“Kind of the same, but I also sing.”

And so the conversation went on and on for a while. I controlled myself, though, and didn’t drink as much as I would have feeling as sad and guilty as I was then.

We started getting closer, using the excuse of not being able to hear each other. She drank much more than I did, and it was noticeable.

“Hey, Dan, danisnotonfire, Danny-boy, do you want to come to my room, and continue this little chit-chat there?”

“Sorry, no, I don’t.”

“Are you sure?”

“Sure.”

“Okay.” She said, unconformed with my answer.

A pause.

“Like, really sure?”

“Yeah, you know what?” I went straight to the dj, asked for the microphone, which I was kindly given, stood on a puff, and started talking. “Can I have your attention, please? Anyone? Thanks. Before y’all get super drunk and blackout, as it should be, then forget everything and anything that happened tonight” I searched for Phil, but couldn’t find him “I just want all of you to know that, indeed, I’m in a romantic relationship with Phil Lester, a.k.a. AmazingPhil, for those who were wondering.”

At first, just silence. What had I done? Then, someone clapped. Another person joined. Then another one. Suddenly, they were all clapping. I felt proud of myself. After a round of applause, everyone went back to what they were previously doing, which was drinking and dancing, and everything went to normal.

I decided to go back to the room and have some sleep. I was really tired, after being all day at the convention. I didn’t want to party, I wanted to rest. I got inside the room, took off my shoes, and laid on the bed with my eyes closed.

But, boy, was that night going to make a twist.


	20. Stay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> smut warning!

Phil’s POV

I was absolutely shocked. Everyone I was dancing with just stared at me, expecting a reaction, but I had none. I didn’t know what to think, what to say, what to do.

“Phil” I heard someone say “, go find him!”

At first I hesitated, and then I realized, whoever had told me that was right. I ran towards the lift. It was busy. I took the stairs. I ran in a way I hadn’t run ever before, whilst searching for my key to the room. I suddenly stopped when I reached the door, but I didn’t open it right away. I tried to calm down, control my breath, remove the sweat on my forehead. Yes, I did sweat running down the stairs.

I opened the door, and there he was, with his eyes closed, resting on the bed. He wasn’t asleep, though, he used to open his mouth a little when he slept, so I knew he had probably heard me.

“Dan?”

“Yeah?” he said, with his eyes still closed.

I slowly walked towards his bed, but I didn’t really know what to say. Noticing I was speechless, he opened his eyes and sat down. I kneeled by his side, but he took my hand and lead me so I was sitting on the bed. I still couldn’t look straight at him.

“You know, I probably overreacted a little and…” I was stopped with a finger on my mouth. He looked at me, and I looked at him.

“I’m sorry.” He said after a few seconds of silence.

“What?” I said with his finger still on my mouth,

“I said I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said what I said. I’ve thought about it, and I realized. I couldn’t care less what they think about us. And I’ve never felt that way about anything else. Being with you is the only thing I really know I want to do, I have no doubts about it, so I don’t really care anyone else’s opinion regarding it. If you don’t want to be with me, though, I respect it. I just wanted you to know that I’m sure about this relationship with you. And to show you that I’m not embarrassed of it, nor should I be, I told everyone. Because I truly didn’t give a shit what they thought about us.”

His eyes started to look glazed. I loved the way he was so passionate in his speech, to the point of almost crying.

“I forgive you. Also, I would like to add that I may have overreacted, as I was saying, and I should have listened to your reasons before acting so rudely. We were both wrong, so I would like to apologize, too.”

“I don’t think you should apologize, though. But if that’s what you want, I forgive you, too.”

“And, what you did for me there, on stage. You made me feel like in a film, it was so romantic. I really liked it.”

“Really? Good. I didn’t want to make you feel awkward or anything.”

There was a silence then, but it wasn’t an uncomfortable one. It felt nice. We just stared into each other’s eyes. Dan was the only person with whom silence wasn’t awkward. Because we communicated in other ways. In that moment, we just looked at each other. I smiled, and he smiled back. I realized he was still holding my hand, and instead of letting go, I held his other hand, too. His smile got broader. For the first time, he was the one to lean towards me for a kiss. He slowly started to get closer and closer. I thought his plan was to go smooth, but he was adorably clumsy. Before resting on my cheek, his hand mistakenly stumbled across my ear, but I didn’t mind, although it hurt a little. He kissed my other cheek, then my forehead, then my nose. It was a despairing yet sweet wait until he reached my lips. His mouth didn’t taste like alcohol, contrary to what I had thought, after what he had done on the roof. But he didn’t stay much longer on my lips. His kisses went towards my neck, which made me shiver as if the temperature had dropped a thousand degrees, yet my body started to feel like the temperature couldn’t get any higher. Back to my lips. I had already noticed myself getting aroused, but tried to play it cool.

“Wait!” he stopped all of the sudden.

“W-What? What’s wrong?” I mumbled.

“Are you drunk?”

“What? No, I haven’t drunk much tonight, why?”

“High?”

“Neither.”

“In any way lacking consciousness?”

“No, Dan, why?”

“I don’t want to take advantage of a person who isn’t fully conscious. We shall proceed now.”

“Oh, okay. But, wait, take advantage? What are your plans for tonight?”

“Well, Phil, how do I put it? I feel prepared tonight. I’m not nervous anymore. I’m with someone I’m comfortable with. I’m not scared I might screw up if I do it with you. I’m ready if you are.”

No more words spoken, I softly placed my hand on his neck and kissed him. I positioned myself so that my legs were on both sides of Dan’s body, and I slowly started to lean over him. Once his back was fully rested on the bed, he tangled his fingers with my hair, and used his other hand to gently pull my shirt a little upwards. Then, both of his hands were unbuttoning it, as I unbuttoned his. I simply found the most of pleasures when our skins touched, the encounter of two cold skins that met warmth together.

I knew his neck was his weakest point, and I couldn’t help but play with it. Biting, kissing, licking, it all made him go crazy. His breathing accelerated. One of his hands pulled my hair, while the other one scratched my back. The latter made its way towards my pants, with the intention of removing them.

I got up and took off my pants as fast as I could. He started removing his, and I speeded up the process by helping him. Our clothes were all over the floor, but we didn’t really mind. It was just the two of us there, we couldn’t think of anything else.

I went on top again, as usual. My hand was grabbing his outer thigh, his hand was on my hair, our faces were inches away, but we didn’t move, we just stared at each other for a few seconds. He took my lip between his teeth and pulled it a little, then let go. It kind of made me laugh, but also turned me on even more.

And then I realized I was with someone I really, really liked. I was with someone I felt comfortable enough to joke around, even in such a moment. I smiled at him and he smiled back at me, and we were happy.

Even though we were both craved it, I chose to slower the pace. I wanted for the both of us to have a good time, not have simple meaningless sex. But it was hard to keep it slow when his kisses made me go crazy. I started going downwards, leaving a trace of kisses and bites on my way. His fingers pulled my hair up but his hand pushed my head down. As I descended, I started pulling off his underwear. When I reached his belly button, I looked him in the eye. There was something wrong, I knew it, I could just feel it in the way he stopped pulling my hair and in the way he looked back at me.

“What’s wrong, babe?” I asked.

“Umh, nothing, it’s just that, you know… Do you happen to have any condoms?”

I was surprised by the way he asked it.

“I do, Dan. You don’t have to feel ashamed of asking, it’s okay. Just let me look for them.”

“Sorry.”

“Oi, don’t apologize. You can be yourself with me, and if you want to use a condom, don’t apologize for asking for it.”

As I reached for my bag, we heard some voices on the other side of the door.

“Have you seen Phil? I haven’t seen him since Dan confessed to him in front of everyone. Do you think he’s mad at him?” said a drunken voice.

“I don’t know, let’s see if there’s anyone inside their room.” said another drunken voice.

Dan and I realized at about the same second that I had left the door unlocked. His reaction time was amazing. As I rushed to close the door, he stood on the bed and started jumping on it.

“Yes, Phil, yes!” he yelled, “Harder, please, yes! Oh, my God! Yes!”

I couldn’t help but laugh. His method was useful, though, because the girls outside made a quick escape after hearing Dan’s sex sounds and the bed being smashed. The picture was even better when I saw his penis just going up and down as he jumped.

“It’s okay, they’re gone” I said when I was finally able to stop laughing.

“Thank God. I was getting tired.”

“Do you still want to do it, though? But this time, like, really do it, not just screaming and jumping.”

“Wait, there’s more to sex than screaming and jumping?”

“Want me to show you?”

“Sure.”

Well, there’s no other way to describe what we did that night other than saying we made love. Rough sex can be had with anyone. What we had, however, was a kind of sex two people have when they feel something else. The after-sex chat was one to remember. That was the first time heard him say the worlds “I love you” to me, and that was the first time I said them to him.


	21. Come Back

Phil’s POV

It’s November 1st, 2012. I wake up at nine in the morning, just like a regular day. Dan’s resting on my chest, we’re in my bed, just like a regular day. I go make breakfast for the two of us while Dan sleeps for a little more, just like a regular day. Except it isn’t a regular day.

His skin is a little colder than usual, but I notice the weather is a little colder than usual, too, so I don’t pay much attention to it, I just get up and put the covers over him.

We are supposed to be in the radio station by three, to record the Christmas show. Even though November has just started, we have already decided that we’re spending Christmas with my family, and New Year with Dan’s, so we won’t be even near central London by the 25th of December, and we picked this date to have the show recorded and ready by Christmas.

But that’s not the only reason why this is not a regular day. Dan and I have been together for a while now, and even though it is not legal here in the UK, I do want our relationship to go to another level. I love the idea of calling him my “husband”, I want to proudly say that I’m married to the person I love the most. Besides, I’m tired of people calling us “friends” or “best friends” when they see us together. He’s still my best friend, but he’s also my boyfriend, and the one I love. It may sound silly, but I want to share a more spiritual bond with him.

So when I get to the room, with the breakfast on a tray, I slowly open my bedside table and grab two rings that I had bought a few days ago.

“Dan?” I said, putting the tray on the bed. The rings are in my closed hand, as it shakes with uneasiness.

No response.

“Hey, Dan.”

Nothing. It usually took him two calls to wake up, so I suspect something’s not quite right.

“Danny!”

I start to worry.

“Dan, come on, wake up.”

Silence.

“Come on, Dan.”

I poke him. Nothing.

“Dan, I brought you breakfast. Wake up.”

Not even a gesture in his face.

“This is not funny anymore. Now wake up.”

I kneel beside his side of the bed and start shaking his body, but nothing happened. He’s frizzing cold. I fear the worst.

“Dan, please, wake up.”

I get closer to his nose. No air going in or out. I’m scared to put my heart on his chest, but I do anyways. No heartbeat.

“Dan, come on, please. Oh, my God, please.” I start crying. Why am I crying? This can’t be happening, this is not happening. But it is happening.

I rush to grab my phone and call an ambulance. I can barely talk through my tears. I’m told to perform CPR while I wait for them to come, and even though I know nothing about it, I still try. I’m explained how to do it, but it’s difficult to do it if my hands don’t stop shaking and I don’t stop crying. He’s not responding, but I continue, I have hope.

The ambulance arrives and the doctors try to resuscitate him. No pulse. They keep trying. I call Dan’s mum to explain the current situation as clearly as I can through my tears. I don’t understand what’s happening. Or maybe I just don’t want to understand. I don’t want it to be real.

The doctors use an AED. Nothing. They desist. They cannot resuscitate him. He’s gone. I can feel Dan’s mother speaking loudly on the phone, but I can’t really hear what she says.

“No.” I keep repeating. “No.”

His body is still on my bed. He’s still there, isn’t he? He’s here with me. I see him. But, for some reason, I can’t feel him there. I hug him, or at least I hug his body. I hide my face on his chest and shake my head.

“Come back, please, Dan.”

But I know he’s not going to answer, and all I’m holding is a corpse. Even though I don’t want to accept it, I know it.


	22. At the Mortuary

The body was taken to the mortuary while I waited for Dan’s parents to come home. I remember her crying on the phone, screaming for her little Dan. He, on the other hand, didn’t say a word, he just cried in desperation.

By three in the afternoon, we got the preliminary results from the autopsy.

“I assume you were aware of Mr. Howell’s heart condition…” began the doctor.

“Wait, what? What heart condition?” I stopped her.

“Mr. Howell was diagnosed a few months ago with ischemic heart disease. At some point during the night, he suffered from ventricular fibrillation, which lead to cardiac arrest.”

“Did you know about this disease?” I asked Dan’s parents.

She nodded slightly.

“It was his decision not to undergo a treatment. Not until he could get enough money.” his father said.

“And you didn’t do anything about it?”

“We didn’t have the time. We started raising money as soon as he told us about it, we didn’t know he was going to leave so… soon.”

He looked more angry than sad. He was angry at himself. He couldn’t save the life he helped create. By the end of that sentence, he was almost yelling.

“Why didn’t he tell me? I could have helped him. He knew I had the resources to do so.”

“Honey, you were going through some shit, too.” She said “He didn’t want to make you feel worse.”

“Make me feel worse? He was fucking dying, for fuck’s sake. And I could have stopped it. Isn’t it what we were supposed to do? Help each other? Work things out together? He was there for me when I had the accident. Before and after. Why couldn’t he tell me about it? Why wouldn’t he let me help him?”

And so we went back to silence.

I had nothing to do there, his parents would take care of everything else, but I didn’t want to go to the apartment. It was our apartment. I didn’t want to make the calls, write the emails. I didn’t want to repeat the same words over and over again. Maybe, if I did, it would help me get over the fact, but I didn’t want to.

So I went to the nearest hotel, locked myself in the cheapest room, drank all that the mini bar could offer, and looked at photos and videos on my phone, of us, happy us. But when I woke up the morning after, he was still dead. Dan was dead.


	23. The Funeral

Six days after his death, the funeral was held. Even though Dan wasn’t as religious, his grandmother wanted him to go to heaven, so the ceremony took place in a church. I, personally, was never into those things, so when the priest started talking, I felt the need to leave. He didn’t know shit about Dan, and he spoke as though he had been there with him all along. He read some passages from the Bible, to which I stayed because I respected those who believed, not because I gave a damn.

I felt insulted by the way he spoke. The amount of fake people in there was utterly absurd. None of them had been there for Dan when he needed them the most. When he hated himself, when he didn’t understand why people left him aside. Very few ever had more than three words with him. Their tears couldn’t be any emptier.

I was furious. Just seeing them all made me sick. I got up, with the intention of leaving, but Dan’s mum started talking, and I stopped.

“No parent wants to see their kid go before them. We see them come to the world, we don’t expect to see them part from it, too. But I know my kid left happily. I got a message about a week ago, saying ‘mum, I found a couple of rings inside his drawer when I was looking for rubbers. I think he’s going to propose. I’m so happy! Talk to you later’. My boy was happy. I waited so long for him to tell me that. I should have offered a better, longer life, and that I regret. But I’m thankful the one he had was a happy one. And I beg to God that, wherever he is now, he’s also happy. I want to remember him like that. With a big smile on his face. I know that’s how he would have wanted to be remembered. He wouldn’t have wanted us to feel pity for him.”

Though there were already tears in her eyes, when she finished that sentence was when she broke down and cried. A mother who has just lost a child should not be put in front of so many people to try and not be sad. That’s why I hate all this formality. It means absolutely nothing, and it shows nothing of what is actually happening. Of course she was going to do a happy portrait of Dan, no one wants to hear how sad he actually was. But she knew she was lying, and we knew she was lying.

I run towards her, and without saying a word, I hugged her. She cried on my shoulder, and I cried on hers.

“Thanks for making my boy the happiest boy. Thanks for being there for him, Phil. I will never be able to thank you enough.”

“There’s nothing to be so thankful for. He made me happy, too. And I know you made him happy, too.”

When I looked up, everyone was looking at us with preoccupation in their faces. I took Mrs. Howell to her seat and decided to leave. As I crossed the gate, I realized that I had something else in mind for the time I got out of a church. I was expecting to be holding Dan’s hand, people congratulating us, rice all over our heads. But the guy who was by my side inside my mind was about to get buried six feet under.

It was getting dark when I got home, but I could recognize a familiar silhouette sitting on our doorstep. My doorstep.

“Liv? What are you doing here?”

“Phil, we need to talk.” She said, as she stood up. And that was when I noticed. She had a different kind of belly as she used to have. She was pregnant.


	24. The Help

It was cold and dark outside, so I invited her in. I offered tea and something to eat, which I noticed she was in need of. Her skin was freezing, her makeup was all over her face. She had been crying.

“So, what happened? I didn’t see you at the funeral…”

“I’m a coward, Phil. I had been staying at your parent’s house ever since this belly started to get visibly larger. I tried to spend as little time at home as possible, so my father didn’t see it. All I did was sleeping at home. But… well… when you called to tell the news, I just couldn’t take it. I ran away, and then I felt too bad to go back, so I went to my house and tried to lock myself in my room. I thought my father was at work. But he wasn’t, and he saw me. He got really mad, Phil. He threatened me. I just didn’t know how to explain it to him. Now, I don’t have a place to go. I came here because I need you, because you’re my only friend. I didn’t realize until now the fact that I’m not ready for this. I can’t be a mother, I don’t have a model to follow. My mum left years ago, my dad threatened to kill me. I don’t know what to do. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have come, you have enough problems already.”

“No, Liv, don’t worry. You can stay here for as long as you want. You’re safe here. Your father won’t hurt you, okay? I just have a question, though. Whose is it?”

“Remember that time you came here and I was here because I had slept with Dan? Well, guess who were so drunk to remember to use protection?”

Even though she said it as a joke, tears were coming out of her eyes.

“Oh.”

“Yes, I’m the homeless girl who’s pregnant with the baby whose father is dead.”

“Well, you will not be homeless as long as I’m here. I will take care of you. Of you both.”

“I seriously don’t want to cause you any trouble, I don’t want to bother you just like I do with everyone else, but you’re the only person I have left. I promise I will leave as soon as it’s possible.”

“No, you don’t have to. I actually think you should settle down here. I want to take care of you and the child. Liv, you’re my best friend, you know me better than anyone. You helped me when I needed you, now let me help you. You deserve it.”

“No, Phil, I can’t. You deserve something better. You don’t deserve to take responsibility for my mistakes.”

“Liv, I’m breaking down. I’m dying inside, okay? I just lost the one person that made my everyday feel like eternal paradise. My days are fucking dark right now. I can’t see the good side of anything. I lost my partner. We can help each other. We can make a happy place for this little one. We both need help, okay? We have to start all over now. And I could use some company. I crave it.”

She looked at me and saw my pain. I wanted to ask her whether or not Dan knew about the pregnancy, but I guess I didn’t want to know. Because if he did know, then he consciously left a child without a father because he didn’t want to ask for some fucking money. And if he didn’t, then he hadn’t found a real reason to stay and do the treatment. And that meant that I wasn’t a reason to stay.


	25. Dark Days

Every day before going to work, Liv would leave lunch made for me. She knew I wasn’t going to eat it, but she made it anyway. She had hope. I, on the other hand, would tend to stay locked inside my room, either sleeping or crying.

Twenty three days after Dan’s death, I came out of my room to use the bathroom. I met Liv on my way, but didn’t pay much attention to her. Then, on my way back to the room, I heard her.

“Phil?” she said with worry in her voice.

I didn’t answer, I just turned around to face her.

“Oh, my God. Phil, can we talk?”

I turned around again and continued my way to my room.

“Please.”

I stopped. She sounded sad. And then I realized I was the one making her feel sad.

“Let me help you, alright?”

I needed help. I knew that already. But I didn’t want help. No one really understood what I was going through, and if they didn’t understand, how on earth would they know how to help me recover. This is not something you just get over, something you forget, it’s a burden you carry with you until you’re finally given the gift of death. It’s not something that can be solved.

“If you don’t want to talk, that’s fine, but at least listen to me.”

I was still facing my door, but I was listening to her.

“I don’t want to say everything will be alright, because it won’t. We just lost Dan, that’s a fact, he’s not coming back. Things will not go back to normal, for God’s sake, he just died. I know how you felt about him, and I know how he felt about you, and I know that this affected you in ways it hasn’t affected anyone else. You must not know what to do right now. Your whole world must have collapsed. But, Phil, there’s a reason why he didn’t tell you about it, and that’s because he didn’t want you to be the way you are now. He didn’t want you to be sad. He did it for you, and in his memory, you should also do something for yourself. You deserve something better than this. He’s not coming back and you’ll have to live with that, and even if you died when he did, you at least have another chance here on Earth. Don’t waste it. Do it for him.”

We were both crying by that point, and I wanted to run into her arms and ask her desperately for help, but I couldn’t drag her down with me. So I continued my way to my room.

“I’ll be here for you, and just so you know, I’ll be more than pleased to help you, Phil.” She said, as though she had read my mind.


	26. Her.

Twenty seven days after Dan’s death, I found myself coming out of my room for something other than going to the bathroom or the kitchen. I didn’t with certainty what I wanted to do, I just wanted to get out of my room. I figured Liv would be sleeping, due to the fact that it was four am. But, when I went to the lounge, I found the tv on and Liv staring blankly at it. She didn’t even notice me entering. At first, I didn’t realize what was on the tv, I noticed some weird, blurry figured. Then I saw it. It was the foetus.

“Liv?”

“Phil!” she jumped.

I looked at her, and then looked at the tv, hoping she got my message.

“Oh, yeah. It’s from two days ago. She’s pretty, isn’t she?”

I saw nothing but a black stain.

But then she unmuted it, and I heard the heartbeat. It’s hard to describe how I felt in that moment. I had been surrounded by death for so long lately, so when I heard a soon to be life, an actual creature that was about to come into this world and not leave it, something moved inside me.

My imagination went to the strangest places. At first I thought this being would be born completely vulnerable, so it would need a home, and someone to take care of it. Then I thought it may need a name, and that she would carry that name for the rest of her life. Then I thought she ought to have a happy life. And then I thought that I was able to give her a happy life. And then I realized I had stopped thinking of her as “it” and more like a “her”.

“Why are you crying?” I asked Liv.

She wiped the tears off her face and smiled.

“I don’t know. Maybe it’s because I’m happy I’m going to give birth to a child. Maybe it’s because I’m sad I don’t know what I’m going to do with her. Dan left me, too, you know? I mean, he didn’t know about her, and I regret every day not telling him, but I’m alone, too. I was raised without one of my parents, and I don’t want this kid to go through the same. I want her to be happy. Maybe someone else will make her happier than I could ever make her.”

Liv’s family history was kinda tragic. Her father was rather violent, and her mother had run away when she was five years old. When knew about her father’s attitude, but never found enough proof to call the police. Her father’s mother had passed away in January after battling cancer, so he was especially angry.

So I guessed she never had the best parental figures. My mother was more of a mother to her that whatever she might have had. Her first thought was to escape. She was about to make the same mistake as her own mother.

“No.”

“What?”

“No.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Keep her.”

“But, Phil…”

“We’ll raise her. Together. This will be our home. Us three.”

“I don’t know…”

“She’s Dan’s daughter. You’re my friend. I won’t leave you. Neither of you.”

“I’m not ready for this…”

“Neither am I. No one is. That’s the point.”

“Phil…”

“She is going to happen. She is going to come. We have to prepare.”

“Where did all this energy come from?”

And the truth was that hearing that heartbeat, it gave me hope. It made me feel like, even though Dan was gone, he had left life behind. Maybe not all of it was death. A life was on the way. And I wasn’t to make it a miserable one.


	27. The Video

Thirty two days after Dan’s death, I decided it was time to enter his room and get rid of his stuff. After unlocking the door, the three steps inside the room were so painful I had to stop. Everything reminded me of his death. Everything reminded me of his life. But nothing inside that room had any use anymore, and it was time to remove it. First, his clothes. Even though I decided to keep a couple of things, the rest went inside a box to give to charity. My task was to put everything in boxes, and Liv’s was to get all of it out of the house without me noticing so I didn’t regret it and take it all back. His laptop could become Liv’s, but before giving it to her, I wanted to erase everything, so it was like brand new.

Of course, I was physically unable to simply erase everything. I turned it on and typed the password. I was the only one who knew it, just in case, we both knew each other’s passwords. I supposed someday I would have to announce his death to our followers, but I wasn’t ready. Instead, I decided to check his social media. Everyone was worried about us, because neither of us had published anything for almost two months. I checked his YouTube channel, and that’s when I noticed a private video. It was called “For Phil.” I hesitated, I was scared. But I needed to see it.

“Hi, Phil.”

Dan.

“The only way you can see this is because either you are using my phone or computer while I’m not seeing, in which case don’t, you have your own stuff” he laughed “or… well, you are using my computer because I’m no longer using it, in which case means I’m, for some reason, gone. At the moment of this being recorder, we’re in Las Vegas, you had a panic attack a few hours ago and are now resting in our hotel room, while I’m recording this from the lobby downstairs. You’ll understand why I’m mentioning this later. So, anyway, back to why you’re seeing this. I really don’t know how to say this. This is like the third time I started recording this.” He paused “Okay. First things first. You deserve to know what happened the night of the accident. The doctors said sometimes brains tend to repress painful memories, so I guess that night must have been hard for you, but I want to take no secrets to my grave, and you deserve to know, since I’m the only one who knows what really happened. You told me to go see a doctor when you noticed I wasn’t feeling very well. As soon as I got home from the last visit to the surgery, I told you I was okay, even though I wasn’t. The news from the doctor weren’t good. When I realized how death could come at any moment, I rushed to do the one thing I had wanted to do for a long time. No, it wasn’t travelling around the globe, neither was it spending all my money. I kissed you, because you were my first and last and only thought when I was told about my condition. You, on the other hand, weren’t feeling as “YOLO” as I was, and I can’t blame you. I felt embarrassed, and decided to leave for a while. You followed me to the streets. That’s when a car hit you. The rest of the story, well, you remember it. So, yeah, I told you about my disease once, on a letter I wrote to you before leaving that night. You can imagine why I couldn’t bear to tell you again, after what had happened. There’s a reason why your brain didn’t want you to remember that bit. After that, I decided to raise money by myself. During your stay in Rawtenstall, I worked my ass off to get some extra money. I swear I’m going to start the treatment as soon as I can, and I’ll let you know about everything as soon as I know you can handle it, but right now you’re going through a lot, trust me, I’ve seen you at your lowest, and this is nothing compared to that. I couldn’t bear to know your sadness was my fault, so, yeah, I’m hiding this from you. Why not enjoy this time we have together? We are recovering from the accident together, I don’t want to bomb you with this right now. If you’re watching this video, though, it’s probably because I didn’t delete it, because I didn’t tell you about all this, because I didn’t have the time. But, honey, it’s all about time. My time came, but that doesn’t mean yours should, too. I made the best of mine spending it with you, being happy together, because I knew my time could come at any time and I wanted to go knowing I had had a great time. Even though we can’t share any more time together, I do want you to spend it wisely. I want you to be as happy as I was with you. I love you, Philip Lester, I love the way you are, I love the way you act, I love the way you speak, I love the way you look, I love you. And I want you to remember that.”

And then a black screen.


End file.
